Girlfriend without a comma
Posted by mozziestar on October 27, 2008
9am: I have broken all world records this morning as I managed to sleep until 8:30am. Xanax is like fairy dust…just a sprinkle a day keeps the nightmares away. It’s time to put the coffee on and sort through the automated job offers from Careerbuilder. Obviously my resume has lined me up for a fantastic and promising career in welding, as an electrician or in telemarketing. I’ve often been told I am a ‘Jack of all Trades’ and a Master at one: writing. It’s good to know that writing is such a highly-prized commodity in today’s economy.
10am: The husband is awake and my solace is interrupted. In order to devote time to my writing, I will need to set my alarm clock for 3am from now on. Concentration is fairly easy with b-flick films and ‘The Best of John Wayne’ blaring in the living room. You see, the husband watches three things on the TV: John Wayne westerns, Man vs. Wild, and Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe. All three are top choices in my book given that Somewhere in Time, Sense and Sensibility, The Good Girl, and the entire John Hughes film collection are among my favorite movies. At first, I thought our differences in movie selections were age related. The husband is eleven years my senior in age, but -30 my junior in mentality. If opposites do attract, we are a match made in heaven.
11:15am: The husband realizes that he was due at work 15 minutes ago and begins to panic. Given that I did not wake him up like all proper wives should, he is a bit flustered. He asks if I will need my car for the next few hours so he can drive it to work. You see, while I was away on vacation, the husband allowed his driver’s license and car tag to expire because “I wasn’t there to remind him.” So, he drove to work illegally (cue Beavis and Butthead…Breakin’ da law, breakin’ da law) and not only got a ticket for this but also for parking in the handicapped spot without a properly displayed decal. A $400 ticket was exactly the gift I was longing for when I returned from vacation. The husband is the perfect gift in and of himself: The gift that keeps on giving.
11:30am: The husband packs his dirty body and morning breath into my car and heads off to work to make another stellar impression on his superiors, co-workers and customers. I’m sure that someone will ask him the name of his cologne. Even ‘Designer Imposters’ couldn’t capture his essence. It is one of a kind.
11:45am: I receive a phone call from my former boss, who was also canned while I was on vacation. She has been reeling too from the commotion this has caused in her life and was unaware that I was the latest victim of the “This is really hard for us to do and I hope you won’t take it personally” speech from HR. My former boss, if I can even call her that because I consider her my friend first and foremost, is an amazing and talented gal. When she hired me, we clicked right off the bat and worked together like the Dynamic Duo. Working with her is the only thing I will miss about that job. I called her ‘The Wiz,’ because she was the person behind the office curtain that made everything happen. I hope that someday our career paths will lead us back together to conquer the world in total and complete annihilation. If you are reading, Great and Powerful Oz, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Like I said during our phone call, everything happens to pursue the greater good in life. We will both find ours.
2pm: I’ve been online searching job sites for hours now and fanny fatigue is setting in. I decide to take a walk outside and enjoy the lovely gift of Autumn. Autumn is my favorite of all the seasons. The cool and unexpected nip in the air, the colorful oranges and reds of the falling leaves, the breeze rushing over my face and through my hair. A poem springs to mind…
“To Autumn”
by William Blake (from Poetical Sketches, 1783)
With the blood of the grape, pass not, but sit
Beneath my shady roof; there thou may’st rest,
And tune thy jolly voice to my fresh pipe,
And all the daughters of the year shall dance!
Sing now the lusty song of fruits and flowers.
The sun, and love runs in her thrilling veins;
Blossoms hang round the brows of Morning, and
Flourish down the bright cheek of modest Eve,
Till clust’ring Summer breaks forth into singing,
And feather’d clouds strew flowers round her head.
Of fruit; and Joy, with pinions light, roves round
The gardens, or sits singing in the trees.”
Thus sang the jolly Autumn as he sat,
Then rose, girded himself, and o’er the bleak
Hills fled from our sight; but left his golden load.
4pm: I’ve spent too much time on my laptop and it has now retaliated against me. One of the keys, a vital one as a writer in love with proper punctuation, has just flown off the keyboard. I think to myself, “Oh no! Not the comma! Take my eyes, but not the comma!” So, now I am enjoying cutting and pasting the comma when I need it. Surely, I will earn an extra gold star for that on my blog. I stare at my missing comma key and think of Morrissey’s lyrics in the song, “Girlfriend in a coma.” Naturally, my own lyrics begin to write themselves in my mind. So, without further ado, I have included them below with the actual lyrics to the song appearing first. Mozziestar’s version is below those. Enjoy!
“Girlfriend in a coma” by The Smiths
I know – it’s serious
Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s really serious
(but you know, I would hate anything to happen to her)
Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know – it’s serious
My, my, my, my, my, my baby, goodbye…
There were times when I could have strangled her
(but you know, I would hate anything to happen to her)
Would you please let me see her?
Do you really think she’ll pull through?
Let me whisper my last goodbyes
I know – it’s serious.”
“Girlfriend without a comma” by Mozziestar
I know – it’s serious
Girlfriend without a comma, I know
I know – it’s really serious
(but you know, I would hate constructive criticism to happen to her)
Girlfriend without a comma, I know
I know – it’s serious
My, my, my, my, my, my Mozzie, goodbye…
There were times when I could have promoted her
(but you know, I would hate another layoff to happen to her)
Would you please let me read her?
Do you really think her blog’s through?
Let me whisper my last goodbyes
I know – it’s serious.”
Basil said
My advice to you is that you should help in curbing your husband’s excessive carelessness.
Redman said
Life without a comma is like coffee without cream, cereal without milk, and jelly without peanut butter. It just won’t do! Get some Super Glue and fix that problem. Although at times I feel sad from your writings, I still enjoy each episode and can’t wait for the final HUSBAND solution.
Redman