The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Chapter 5

Posted by mozziestarlet on September 24, 2008

8am: I practice the clever ‘boot scootin’ boogie’ from the front door of the house to my car. The husband’s parking talents continue to amaze me as he leaves just enough room between his car and mine to put a really impressive dent in my car door. My ‘custom’ paint job is the envy of all my neighbors.

8:15-8:45am: I retreat into my daily lyrical bliss of my true husband, Morrissey. I count the reasons in my head of why I’m convinced he should marry me. I will definitely need to chronicle these reasons later in the day because I’m 100% certain that I can present a worthwhile argument.

9am: I do the ‘happy, happy, joy, joy’ skip from my office to the conference room for the Monday 9am staff meeting. ‘Clueless VP’ has impeccable scheduling abilities and always takes into account the Monday morning commute for everyone in the office.

11am: The husband phones me at the office to tell me his car won’t crank. Given that I apparently keep an Auto Repair Guide on my hip at all times, I immediately know how to solve the problem.

12:30pm: The husband phones me at the office again to ask if I can “have lunch with him.” My husband ‘lingo and behavioral translator’ immediately decodes the message to mean that he wants me to spend my hour lunch by bringing lunch to him.

2pm: Time for a meeting with my favorite co-worker, ‘Deer in Headlights,’ a real dumb as a stump girl who always has a surprised look on her face no matter what we are talking about. She amazes me how she can live in a constant state of exhaustion from chatting on IM all day. My sympathy is beyond expression.

6pm: I arrive home to be greeted by my ‘Chatty Kathy’ neighbor next door. I’m convinced that she must work for the CIA, as she is able to predict the precise moment every evening that I pull into my driveway. I smile as she makes her way over to my yard. Heavy briefcases and arms full of filing folders are no deterrent to a woman with nothing but time on her hands.

7pm: Praise, the Lord for Easy Mac dinners. The husband and I would certainly starve to death without them on a regular basis. 100 ways to make Mac-n-Cheese ranks higher than The Catcher in the Rye in terms of required reading material.

9pm: I decide to attempt a meaningful conversation with the husband who is exhausted and drowsy from surfing the net all day. I’m astounded that a person can be asleep, but still manage to increase the volume on the TV while I’m talking. Surely, the odds surrounding that are staggering!

11pm: Time for a brief episode of the ‘Let Mama love the puppy game’ with the dog. This is when I say, in my best beck and call voice, “Come see Mama and let’s play the Let Mama love the puppy game.” This is, without a shadow of a doubt, the highlight of every day as I am showered with puppy affection that is almost entirely unsolicited. The best part of the game is that he manages to stay awake until I am finished!



One Response to “Chapter 5”

  1. werdsmith said

    hah… it’s sad how funny the daily life can become, isn’t it?

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