The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Chapter 8

Posted by mozziestarlet on September 26, 2008

7am: I enter the husband’s sleeping quarters to arouse him from peaceful slumber. I find myself pondering how long a person can keep their mouth completely open without their jaw becoming unhinged. My bet is about 5 hours.


7:15am: The husband is finally up and about and stumbling around upstairs. Realizing that he has overslept once again, I am completely caught by surprise when I do not hear the sound of the shower running upstairs. The husband quickly delivers his predictable “I just don’t have time to shower today” speech, which I could recite standing on one foot and tapping my head at the same time.

7:30am: The husband packs his body odor and halitosis into the car and heads off to make another stellar impression at work. I quickly realize the significance of recently purchasing the family size SUV to allow adequate room for the husband and his impeccable personal hygiene.

8am: I hit the shower and become a knock-out in less than 30 minutes. Hopefully, no one will notice that I’ve made it out of the house wearing two different shoes. After all, the husband always says, “Oh babe, nobody notices STUFF like that. Seriously, babe!”

8:30am: The husband has once again neglected to roll the trash out for garbage pickup this morning. Given that there are now two weeks of rotten trash sitting on the back porch and I am rapidly moving up the ranks on the ‘Favorite Neighbor’ list, I perform my usual ‘‘Don’t worry. I’ll handle it, dear” duties and put the trash out on the curb before leaving for the office. Arriving to the office wearing ‘Eau de Egg Salad Sandwich’ is a lovely, feminine fragrance that is sweeping the nation.

9am: I’m ready to face another daily adventure in stupidity at the office. Of course, the coffee pot in the break room is below the red line and all that remains is the sludgy grime at the bottom of the pot. I eye it closely and weigh my level of desperation and obvious need for caffeine before pouring a cup.

10:30am: My second favorite co-worker, ‘Peace Out’ arrives promptly two hours after the office opens for business. She lets out her usual *sigh* because let’s face it, having time to pick up a bagel and make it to the office on time is simply asking TOO much. After her mandatory two hour lunch and nap in the car, she works a full hour before giving me her trademark ‘Peace Out’ hand salute before she slinks out the back door to face another grueling, ten minute drive home.

3pm: The husband phones me at the office to ask me the $24,000 question:“What’s for dinner, Babe?” He selflessly offers to defrost the hamburger meat so it will be thawed and ready for me to cook by the time I arrive home. His thoughtfulness has no conceivable limitations.

8pm: After dinner, the husband requires my immediate attention to assist in removing his socks and shoes. His ‘belly to foot ratio’ causes him a great deal of difficulty, so it would be “really nice of me if I could lend him a hand, ok?” I silently think to myself, “I can lend you a swift kick in the jimmy JUST as nicely.”

1am: The husband decides to enjoy a late-night snack to enhance his all-night movie marathon experience ahead. His compassionate nature extends to the dog as he decides to share his chicken nuggets with our furry friend. Suddenly and without warning, I jolt into consciousness by the unmistakable and horrific sound of the dog hurling all over the carpet downstairs. I guess it’s a good thing that I purchased the VIP membership with Stanley Steemer. I figure that between the husband and the dog, we more than account for 75% of their annual revenues!

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