The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Chapter 13

Posted by mozziestarlet on September 30, 2008


10am:  I’ve managed to ingest four cups of coffee in just under two hours and give myself a ‘thatta girl’ pat on the back.  Caffeine is a healthy and necessary method of counteracting the side effects of Xanax and four hours of restful sleep. 


11am:  I enter the copy room to retrieve several documents from the copier and bump into ‘The Stomping Bean’ who has a truly perplexed look on his face.  I inquire politely, “Is everything ok?  Do you need any help?” and he begins to explain that his documents are not coming off the printer as normal.  He spins around in a dizzy twirl to go directly to the IT department.  I reach in to retrieve my documents and notice the ‘Load paper in Tray 1’ error message on the copier panel.  The inability to replenish the paper supply in the copier always requires immediate IT support.


5pm:  I’m tiding up my daily activities in the office to prepare for a fun-filled evening at the quarterly Sales & Marketing company dinner.  Sitting next to an intoxicated ‘Deer in Headlights’ for three hours is my ideal way to spend an evening.  Apparently, she is unable to speak or laugh without slapping my arm each and every time, so I’m so happy to be on the receiving end of her welcomed affection.


5:30pm:  ‘Clueless VP’ pops into my office because he is having difficulty submitting a proposal online.  I enter his office to assess the problem and after two hours, I determine that the problem is that he neglected to ‘verify’ his submission by clicking on the confirmation link that was sent only to his email account.  Accepting responsibility for your own stupidity and inept nature is never an option, even when you arrive two hours late for the company dinner.


7:30pm:  The husband phones me during the company dinner to ask when I will be home.  Given that the duration of a company dinner is always my call, I give him a ball-park figure of an hour or so.  Deer in Headlights’ still has a glass of wine to put away and she won’t be able to consume it without my required attendance and right arm to punch with every unnecessary laugh.


9pm:  I arrive home and the husband smells the lingering smell of one glass of wine on my breath.  He naturally assumes that I have been out starring in the latest episode of “Girls Gone Wild” and asks where I have “really been all night.”  Realizing that I have absolutely no energy or mental capacity to hold this conversation, I politely offer that he give a couple of my co-workers a call to confirm my alibi.


11:30pm:  I head upstairs to bury myself in sleep.  I dream of Morrissey and hum the following lyrics from a classic tune, “My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine, you make me smile with my heart,” realizing exactly how much he does.  And despite my day and never-ending evening, that is just enough. 


“My funny valentine” by Elvis Costello:

2 Responses to “Chapter 13”

  1. Carl Metellus said

    Great!!!!! sounds like your co-workers are quite comical too! how do you do it? How long have you been writing?

  2. What an absolute control freak! You were home by 9+pm and he still asked if you’d been out partying the night away, doing shots of Jaeger & flashing your boobs? At a business dinner? What a paranoid little man… I mourn for your idiotic predicament!!
    pre·dic·a·ment  (pr-dk-mnt)
    1. A situation, especially an unpleasant, troublesome, or trying one, from which extrication is difficult. See Usage Note at dilemma.
    2. Logic One of the basic states or classifications described by Aristotle into which all things can be placed; a category.

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