The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Hold on to your friends

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 19, 2008

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been in a bit of a reflective mode lately.  I suppose that often happens when life presents you with yet another curve ball and twist in the road, so rather than fight it, I choose to embrace it and see what I can learn from it.  Today, I’m thinking about friendship.  What is it, really?  How do you measure it?  I’ve always been accused of “expecting too much” out of my friends, so oftentimes, I find myself feeling disappointed and disgruntled when a friend fails to be there for me when I need them to be.  Years ago, I had a friend who coined me “the pillar,” because she said that I was always the one who was there for her when no one else was.  Naturally, I took this as a great compliment, knowing all too well what a great gift this is to another human being.  Even now, years later, I still wear that hat.  However, I suppose the difference now is that I’ve learned that being a pillar of strength for others must first begin with being your own.  I am mine.

 

Through the years, I’ve had a difficult time with my female friends.  I suppose the root of this started in adolescence when my “best” friend went behind my back and pursued my boyfriend without my knowledge.  I was completely gutted by her deception, but most of all, by her blatant disregard of the trust I had selflessly placed in our friendship.  After this transpired, I was never quite the same with my female friends.  Realizing the inherent flaws of my own sex, I became much more guarded and cautious about trusting them.  Occasionally, I would open up, share myself with them, be supportive of them, and then ultimately be stabbed in the back or simply disappointed with them.  Even to this day, I have very few female friends.  I’d like to, but I find that I have to take their friendships with a grain of salt and not expect to run into the exception to the rule.  I realize that no one is perfect by any means, but I’ve found that women can be inherently cruel and petty beyond measure.  I am neither of these things, so I’ve learned to always tread lightly when embarking on a new friendship with another woman.  I suppose you could say that I am “scarred, but smarter” now.

 

Excuse my digression, as the intent of this entry is to focus on friendship.  Getting back to my story, I have a very dear friend of over a decade now, who has been there through many of my trials and misfortunes through the years.  We met in the most unlikely of places, a Morrissey chat forum, back in 1997.  There was something unique about this fella from the get-go and we seemed to ‘click’ in an odd and unusual fashion, which really surprised me.  We corresponded through the forum for a few weeks until we exchanged email addresses and decided to be introduced properly.  Weekly emails transformed into daily ones and we began to share our life stories with one another.  We are very different in some regards, and yet, erringly similar in others.  Nevertheless, our differences always seem to compliment each other and even though he drives me crazy on a daily basis, I cherish his friendship.  In the past, I found myself annoyed and irritated when he failed to be there for me when I felt he should have been.  I would find myself thinking, “Why do I bother with him? He obviously doesn’t care about me because he would call or email if he did.”  Up until recently, I still felt this way, but then, something switched inside of me.  I realized that I have been holding him (and others) to MY standard of friendship and that is my own wrongdoing.  You can’t measure friendship by a rigid standard of how you personally define it, but rather embrace the friendship that is given to you.  If you expect others to reciprocate exactly how you would in a particular situation, you will always be disappointed.  However, if you accept their token of friendship, however small and insignificant it may seem, you will always be grateful in receiving it.

 

As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “A friend is a person before whom I may think aloud.”  Discover the beauty in this statement and hold on to it.  Accept your friends for who they are and not what you feel they ought to be and you will never be disappointed.  So, I leave you now with the words of Morrissey, who I believe said it best, “Hold on to your friends.”

“A bond of trust has been abused
Something of value may be lost
Give up your job,
Squander your cash – be rash
Just hold on to your friends
There are more than enough to fight and oppose
Why waste good time fighting the people you like,
Who would fall defending your name?
Don’t feel so ashamed to have friends
But now, you only call me when you’re feeling depressed
When you feel happy I’m so far from your mind,
My patience is stretched, my loyalty vexed
You’re losing all of your friends
Hold on to your friends
Hold on to your friends
Resist – or move on
Be mad, be rash
Smoke and explode
Sell all of your clothes
Just bear in mind:
There just might come a time
When you need some friends..”

 friendship

 

9 Responses to “Hold on to your friends”

  1. jayashree said

    I totally related to this post Mozzie! That Emerson Quote is one of my favourites.
    I’ve been lucky with friends, unlucky with men. Like you, I am a ‘pillar’, but at times, even a pillar needs support!

    I grew up about a decade before you [I think], so my inclinations are rock music. And of course, the Beatles.

    Done a lot, seen too much, but smiling away.

    You write very well – the truth -wouldn’t read it otherwise.

    Now get it published-capiche?

    Jay Jay

  2. A girlfriend said

    As always, this was so inspiring. You are not alone in your view of friends. I, too, have been hurt and dissapointed with female friends. However, when you do have that “one” dependable and loyal friend, it makes up for all the bad ones. I suppose we should remember the quote…”To err is human, to forgive divine.” You are so special, from what I read, you be proud of who you are and consider it “their loss.”

  3. regular lout said

    I loved this entry my luvely Mozzie. The friend you allude to has struck the Fool’s Gold & is too daft to see what he has before him. He is the lucky one. I cheated & saw on your Facebook that you are also a fan of the beautiful south. So I tell you this…Don’t marry him. Have me!!! :-/

  4. mozziestar said

    “Loutish Lover, treat her kindly. Though she needs you more than she loves you.” (Morrissey, of course!)

    You flatter me, lout. But, as I said in my profile here, “The girl with a thorn in her side,” I am not seeking an upgrade or a replacement model. The third time isn’t a charm, it can only do more harm! 🙂

    Thank you for your faithful readership and kind words, as always.

  5. Form of, A BUCKET OF WATER said

    “Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
    Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
    But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
    Of each new-hatch’d, unfledg’d comrade.”
    – William Shakespeare

  6. Graham said

    Awesome. I’ve had the same trouble with friends. And I’m glad we’ve become two.

  7. Charlotte Slater said

    I have always been of the “pick up where we left off” like when it comes to friendships. I have more male friends, b/c I do not do the petty crap that many women pull. Only in recent years have I found some good female friends that I can thin out loud with….in fact just got back from a cuppa tea with the girls- best therapy!

    Sending a steaming hot cuppa tea with milk and just the right amount of sugar your way Mozz.

  8. Tash said

    As we move through life we make choices about the kinds of people we want in our lives. A relative once asked me why I persued a relationship with a certain family member, when this relative had struggled and failed. My response to her was this. I don’t try to force a relationship that the other is not ready for or will ever be capable of. Sometimes we talk about clothes or make up. Not always inspiring stuff, but it’s all that she is capable of now. There are always others I can talk to for that spiritual connection, and I refuse to see that as a fatal flaw in my loved one. Said relative commented that this sounded like hard work, and she didn’t have time for superfluous crap. All of these are valid points, but nobodys fault. There are people in our lives that are important just because. I have the relationships I have in my life, because each of those people are an itegral part of my being. And when they’re gone…who will we go to for advice on “that” dress?

  9. mozziestar said

    Thank you all so much for your beautiful comments. You may be inclined to think that I am the one dishing out life lessons, but I learn and grow every day by meeting and listening to each of you.

    Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts with the world.

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