The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

I must be trippin’

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 22, 2008

5am:  I’m predictably awake and decide attempting to fall back asleep is as futile an effort as trying to launch the space shuttle from my backyard.  I creep downstairs, turn the heat up and start the coffee pot.  The kitchen is in its usual morning shambles, cluttered with the husband’s dirty dishes, pocket change, and empty soda cans.  I’m too groggy to begin my cleanup duties and instead decide to cuddle up on the sofa and watch a movie.  Gas, Food, Lodging’ is my morning movie of choice.

 

8am:  My puppy jingles downstairs, obviously aware that life is stirring on the floor beneath him, and wakes me from my catnap on the sofa.  I reach over to pet him, but he’s as regular as rain when it comes to his morning potty routine.  So, I scoot off the comfy spot and trudge to the back door to hook him to his lead to carry on with his business.  Several minutes pass and I realize that he hasn’t come scratching on the back door to be let back inside.  Naturally, I’m concerned so I open the door to the back patio and see his lead completely ensnared and entangled around the wheel of the garbage can.  I begin to fuss at him, as he always seems to accomplish something of this nature, but realize that I’m going to have to unhook him from the lead to get him free.  I silently debate this for a moment, knowing all too well the lightening speed escape that my puppy is capable of.  Seeing no other option, I unhook him and begin untangling the lead from the garbage wheel.  Within five seconds, my puppy has taken off faster than a bullet fired at close range.  I panic, as losing him in a moment of carelessness has always been my greatest fear in these eleven years.  I am immediately forced with a dilemma.  You see, my backyard is nearly a 90 degree slope, plummeting into wilderness and overgrown poison oak and ivy.  My neighbors all have barricades or fences surrounding their backyards, so crossing through them to retrieve my misbehaving puppy isn’t an option.  It’s either down the slope or nothing at all.

 

I take two steps very carefully down the dangerous slope before my right foot slides out from under me, and I begin my thunderous fall down the embankment.  I plummet head first into a rapid roll, only to be stopped by a gigantic pine tree that breaks my fall across my right cheek.  The thump of my face slamming into the tree’s bark sounds like a punch scene from ‘Rocky.’  I am completely disoriented, out of breath, and stunned that I have managed to yet again, be the most unlucky and uncoordinated person on the planet.  I briefly assess my injuries, grab my right cheek in utter pain and disbelief, and moan at the raw meat that is now hanging from my right arm and left calf.  Realizing I am still alive and on a mission to rescue my puppy, I manage to stand up with arms and legs wobbling from shock and injury.

 

I look two yards over and see my puppy, completely frozen in stature, having obviously watched this extraordinary event firsthand.  I make my way over to him and he doesn’t move a muscle, doesn’t even attempt a sniff or a probable getaway.  He realizes what has just happened and knows that he’s the guilty party that caused this whole calamity.  I pick him up in my shredded arm and carry him back to my back patio, not tempting fate by hoping he will return on his own.  I open the back door to the house and he makes a beeline upstairs and jumps into bed with the husband.  I walk into the bathroom to get the whole visual picture of what has just transpired.  My right cheek has an enormous red patch on it, likely to turn blue within hours, if not minutes.  The tender underside of my right arm is totally thrashed and shredded from sliding down the surface of the tree bark, and the pain is excruciating.  I wash my wounds, retrieve a frozen bag of peas from the freezer, and place it on my cheek.  As I recline on the sofa, I think to myself, “Someone out there must be filming my life.  They couldn’t write this into a series if they tried.  When will I receive my cut of the royalties?”

 

10am:  The red patch on my right cheek has grown into a large and dark spot now.  I look remarkably like someone has given me their best right hook punch.  As much as you are all inclined to believe that the husband inflicted this upon me, I can assure you that it was all my own doing.  And that, in and of itself, is the funniest and most ironic thing about the entire accident and most likely, about my entire weekend.

tripping1

 

 

clumsy_smurf1

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3 Responses to “I must be trippin’”

  1. Peter said

    This is funny as always but are you ok??? Seriously..you are lucky not to have a concussion. Hope you are well Mozzie. The world wouldn’t be nearly as bright without you in it!!!!!!

  2. jayashree said

    I agree. It’s very wittily written, but do hope you are ok. If it’s any consolation-I’m the clumsiest person in the world, keep walking into lampposts, trees, knocking stuff over et al 😛

  3. mozziestar said

    Hi, friends…

    Yes, I survived my fall, though I am fairly “stove up” today (as we say in the South). I think there’s a lot of truth in the saying “I am my own worst enemy.” That is true for me on so many different levels.

    Thank you for your kindness and concern. Mozziestar is a Georgia peach and even peaches can often survive climate changes. 😉

    My love to you all. x

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