The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Loved and lost

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 16, 2008

I’ve been thinking deeply these last few months about the old proverb, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  I have to be honest and tell you that I really struggle with this notion.  When I look back over my life, I can say whole-heartedly…Yes, I have loved much and loved completely.  I have felt the joy that only arises from true love, the anticipation of spending every waking moment with that other person, and ultimately, the abject bliss of sharing the promise of spending the rest of your lives together.  However, having been through marriage twice now (I am so thrilled to admit), I honestly feel that marriage in and of itself is just that:  a promise.  It is a promise that you will love the other person utterly and completely with everything you are, respect them even when they aren’t at the top of your ‘likeable’ list, take care of them when they are sick and unable to care for themselves, and help shoulder the burden when your family of two falls on difficult times.  Above all, it is a promise of partnership; a vow that you will always contribute everything you can to the other person, your life together, and to your future.

My point with this elementary explanation is that if I am totally honest with myself, I’ve never experienced marriage as it should be.  In both instances, I gave more than I received, loved more than I was loved, and held on to that promise with more zeal and respect than the other partner involved.  So, by the most basic definition, I have loved and lost.  Many people I know often comment that I’m just ‘jaded’ by my experiences and that it isn’t like this for everyone.  Believe me, I know it isn’t.  I have family members who have sustained happy and fulfilling marriages longer than I have been on this earth.  Is there some great secret that they are aware of that I was never told?  Are they that much better judges of character than I am when it comes to choosing their life partner?  Or, did they just get ‘lucky?’  I think it’s probably a combination of these things and quite frankly, the idea of marriage for my generation is much different that it is/was for the generations before me.  Marriage wasn’t viewed as a potentially temporary situation where one party could bail if they got bored with the other person, thought they could get a younger and hipper model, or just simply got tired of being around them.  They realized that they were making a lifetime commitment to the other person and it was the most sacred covenant they could possibly ever make, perhaps other than parenthood.  But today, in our easy-come easy-go society, people are disposable and promises are made simply to be broken.  Nothing guts me more than this behavior.

I know many of you are thinking, “Wait a second, Mozzie, isn’t that what you are doing by divorcing your husband?  Aren’t you breaking your promise to him?”  I suppose on the surface, yes, I am.  But, it is so much deeper and more involved than that.  When I look back on my marriages, it wasn’t me who broke the promises.  It wasn’t me that vowed to be one way when we said “I do,” but ended up acting and living a life contrary to that.  I was the one who gave everything and sacrificed all that I was.  I was the one who fought tooth and nail to make the marriages work and for the other person to see what needed to be rectified in the relationship in order to have a happy life together.  I did all the praying, made all the counseling appointments, initiated all the talks, and pleaded for understanding from the other person.  And in both marriages, nothing was gained from my efforts but loss and heartbreak.  In both instances, I loved completely, and ultimately, lost everything.

So, is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  I really can’t say at this point in my life.  Perhaps in ten years, I will feel differently and be able to answer unequivocally ‘yes.’  But right now, with so much loss consuming me, I simply don’t feel that it is.  Jaded?  Maybe.  Or maybe I just allowed myself to fall so deeply that I wasn’t able to see the whites of their lies.

And today, only one song will do…

4 Responses to “Loved and lost”

  1. mylastwrites said

    I read your posting and had to comment. This may get a bit long-winded, but I will do my best to keep it short. I know how you feel. I’ve been there. I was there for a long time. We see eye to eye on most points that you’ve made.

    I have spent the last six years looking for a love that was so real to me that I could again take the vow of marriage. I desperately want to. And not for any other reason than I just want to spend my life with her. There’s no money, no kids, no convenience…none of that stuff. Just the fact that I love my GF and I WANT her as my wife. I actually want to grow old with her and all of that jazz.

    Anyways, I wanted to give you kudos on your posting. It was very similar to how I feel.

    Have a great day.
    J

  2. mozziestar said

    That is lovely, J. Thank you so much for sharing. My very best to you (and hopefully) your future Missus!

    Keep shining,

    Mozziestar

  3. Pine Saul said

    As with all things in life, I know paradise lies in the center ground–that large, hospitable, verdant parcel of land between the icy, inaccessible heights of Mt. Gives-Too-Little and the stripped-barren wasteland of the Gave-Too-Much Desert. I hope all those who truly want to (myself included) can someday make it to this promise(sic) land.

  4. Charlotte Slater said

    One of these days Mozz, you are gonna experience true reciprocal love. In that case, I think is is better to love and lose than never have the experience at all.

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