The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

“The past isn’t dead. It isn’t even past.”

Posted by mozziestarlet on February 10, 2009

I’ve always had a particular affinity for this quote by William Faulkner, often finding myself amazed by the truthful simplicity of it. Like many of you, I’ve spent a considerable portion of my adult life being a prisoner of the past, frequently feeling stuck between something and nothing. Have you ever wondered why the memories you yearn to recall seem distant, yet the ones that you struggle to forget always seem to be top of mind? Perhaps, it is the pain that is associated with these memories that makes them so difficult to forget? So often, I joke that if I could just have a lobotomy to remove all of the unpleasant memories and experiences I’ve endured in my life, I’d be ‘okay.’ What I’ve come to realize through my journey is that experiences, both good and bad, shape the person that we are. Without these, I wouldn’t have the clarity that I have now or the direction for my future happiness. I suppose that sometimes, we have to lose in order to gain insight, understanding, and ultimately, contentment.

So, what got me thinking along these lines today? Well, I was surfing Facebook this morning and stumbled upon ex-husband #1’s profile. Granted, it has been eight years since our divorce and we have both gone on to live our separate lives. I found myself browsing his photos, many of him and his new wife traveling the world’s finest cities, and I started to reflect on the life we once shared. He obviously is happy now and found whatever it was that he was searching for and felt he lacked during our marriage. I thought about how much I tried and how many sacrifices I made to be a wonderful wife to him through those years. Why wasn’t it enough to sustain his love and commitment? Is it possible for one person to seem right for you, but for you to be the wrong choice for them? It’s matters like these that make love and marriage such a three dimensional concept. You may love someone, and they may love you back, but there is always that third element of uncertainty looming above you. Will your love sustain the test of time or will it one day be deemed ‘disposable’ by one of the parties involved?

I haven’t begun to find the answers to questions like these, and quite honestly, probably never will to my own satisfaction. I suppose, in one regard, I am happy that he has found contentment in his life. But, being completely human and fallible, I do feel a twinge of resentment. I resent that he gave up on us. I resent that he not only discarded our memories, but went on to replace them with new ones. I realize this is part of life’s natural progression, and that in time, I too will do the same. But at present, past memories, both buried and those at the surface, seem to haunt me with endless regret. Even though I accept my life’s winding road with all its twisted diversions, I do get weary from the travel. Sometimes, I just wish that my path was straight and narrow, with a tangible destination in mind; an end goal to serve some greater purpose. That way, one day I can look back in retrospect and say, “Oh, now I understand why that happened to me.” Until then, I’ll continue on life’s journey and hope that a little understanding will come with each new day.

 

As Robert Frost so eloquently wrote in 1920:

 “I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

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5 Responses to ““The past isn’t dead. It isn’t even past.””

  1. Davis said

    It is funny how clear the bad memories are and how distant the good ones can become. I’m facing that now with a son leaving home for college in the fall. Enjoyed your post, and hope you’re doing OK.

  2. mozziestar said

    Hi Davis,

    Yes, it certainly is. Thank you for your comment and my heart goes out to you as you send your son off to college in the Fall. Keep in mind, if you raise a child according to the right path in life, he will not depart from it in adulthood.

    Best wishes,

    Mozziestar

  3. Jenjennahney said

    Reading your blog reminds me of all the great conversations we used to have at lunch; books, religion, relationships, QVC. You always gave me an interesting perspective that I never saw right off the bat. You are an extremely insightful person and although the bad memories seem to always flood the surface right now, the old good memories always seem to pop in your mind just when you need them most. They are there just waiting to come alive again.

  4. mozziestar said

    Jen Jennanney Jen Jen Jaree,

    I remember those lunches too and treasure the memories! Sometimes, I look back and wonder how I survived those turbulent times, and then I remember that it is through such true friendships like yours that I’ve been able to ride out the storms.

    I am thrilled that you have found such happiness in your life, and as always, wish you the very best in the future. You rock, sista!

    Love,

    Mozziestar

    P.S. All hail Morrissey! (You KNOW I had to get that one in there!)

  5. Taylor said

    Your friend is right. You have such insight for someone your age.

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