The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Posts Tagged ‘bad marriage blog’

I can have both

Posted by mozziestarlet on June 10, 2013

Several weeks ago, I stumbled across a question posted on a social media website which asked, “When you look back on your life, does it make you feel happy or sad?” At first, my initial reaction was to laugh at what seemed like such a childish and foolish question to ask a grown adult. I mean, of course, I feel happy about what I’ve overcome in my life. I’ve been through hell and have come out the other side. Why shouldn’t I feel happy about that?  I really don’t know why this question lingered in the back of my mind the way it did, but it stuck. As much as my mind wanted to wholeheartedly shout a resounding ‘Yes!’ to this question, my subconscious inclination for self-analysis kicked into overdrive.  No matter how much I tried to discount the way I really felt, I couldn’t escape it. The truth was that when I looked back on my life, I felt anything but happy.  The most difficult part was trying to understand why.

Throughout all my trials and mistakes, I’ve suffered critics who’ve felt it was their duty to point out the path I should have taken, time and time again. I’ve worn the ‘You should’ve known better’ and ‘I told you so’ badge of dishonor like the scarlet letter most of my adult life.  Even though time has taught me that I must forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made, I still endure the reprimand with regular certainty. For every positive step I take forwards, I’m reminded of the missteps I’ve taken and the havoc I’ve caused. I’m reminded of how much I screwed up, of the burden I placed on those close to me, and how I cannot make those mistakes again.  Like a five-year old child who repeatedly places her hand to a hot stove only to be burned, the same message is recounted: “We’ve heard this before and been down this road with you so many times. We can’t go through this again with you. You must be certain this time.”

Message received, loud and clear. I get it — be certain this time. Sure, it seems simple enough, but the problem with this is that there are no certainties in life. What I’ve discovered in my journey is that at best, life is a random lottery of possible outcomes. As players in the game, we weigh the odds, place our bets, and pray for the most favorable outcome. When we’re the only player to be factored into our game, the odds are greater that we’ll achieve the desired outcome. But when a second player is factored into our life, we raise the stakes and increase the likelihood of failure. Even still, we roll the proverbial dice and pray we don’t get burned. Despite experience, despite the odds, the truth of the matter is that no matter how many times we’ve placed similar bets, there are still no guarantees. There are no absolute certainties.

Despite my trepidation and fear of wearing that scarlet letter of disappointment the rest of my days, I still have to take chances. If I stop placing my bets in the game of life, I’ve stopped being a participant in my own life. I’ve succumbed to my failures and given up. I’ve told myself and my critics that I do not deserve another chance at finding my happy ending.

To my critics, I leave you with this Morrissey quote, “Don’t rake up my mistakes. I know exactly what they are.” Stop tallying my scores and let me live my life. We are all worthy of the search and discovery of our happy ending.

Happily + ever after? Yes, I can have both.

I’m trying to explain to the voice inside I can have both, I can have both. There’s nobody around to say no who’ve brainwashed the small, shy girl inside. She doesn’t know she can have both.

Learning From Mistakes                                  resized_HAPPINESS

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