The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Posts Tagged ‘bad marriage’

Mozziestar Flashback Entry, Year: 2003

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 29, 2008

The year was 2003 and it was two years before the husband and I took the proverbial ‘walk down the plank’ and became an official Mister and Missus.  At that time, the husband was living in a two bedroom apartment with his eldest son, and after giving it a whole two minutes of heavy consideration, the husband decided to adopt a dog in hopes to add a little joy and companionship to his routine.  Knowing that I had a sweet little dog who I carefully trained to not only be loyal, but incredibly affectionate, the husband enlisted my assistance in selecting the best canine candidate from the Humane Society to add to his household.  The trip to the Humane Society was a gutting one; cage after cage of precious little dogs who all want you to take them home with you and shower them with love.  I have to tell you that I think it’s wonderful when people choose to adopt or rescue an animal who would otherwise be facing certain euthanasia, but having to see this reality firsthand was not an easy thing for me.

So, we are at the Humane Society and I point out several medium-sized dogs that seem to have good temperments and no behaviorial issues.  Given that the husband is always correct and completely unflawed in his thinking, he argues that a large dog is best for him since that is what he ‘grew up with.’  Naturally, living in a two bedroom apartment with no backyard is a great living environment for a large dog that requires substantial exercise daily.  After no deliberation, the husband selects a lab mixed breed who is still just a puppy.  I take a look at the large size of the puppy’s paws and tell the husband, “You know, you might want to reconsider about getting a smaller dog.  This dog is going to be a giant and is still growing.  Not to mention, puppies require substantial training, discipline and attention.  They are full of energy and are a lot like babies in the beginning.”  The husband confidently replies, “Oh, I know plenty about dogs.  This one will do just fine.”

Knowing that the husband is as stubborn as a mule, I decide to give his dog selecting abilities the benefit of the doubt and keep my opinions to myself.  The husband then completes the necessary paperwork, puts the puppy in the car, and we head back to his apartment.  When we first arrive, the puppy is so excited by his new home; jumping, frolicking and sniffing every nook and cranny.  After giving the place a thorough look, the puppy then becomes interested in everything else that is cluttering the husband’s floor.  After only ten minutes in his new home, the puppy reveals that he is going to be quite a handful in terms of keeping him out of trouble.  I recommend to the husband that he purchase the puppy some appropriate chew toys and dog bed or crate so that the puppy can familiarize himself with his area and what is acceptable for him to play with in the house.  The husband responds, “Nah, I never bought my dogs toys before.  He’ll be fine without them.”  With this, I say goodnight to the husband and his new puppy before making my way back home.

The next day is a work day and I am scheduled to see the husband that evening directly after work.  So, I manage through an otherwise uneventful day at the office before signing off to head over to the husband’s place after work.  On my way there, I get a call from the husband on my cell.  He says, “You aren’t going to believe this, but I think I’ve been robbed!  I just got home and my place is completely destroyed!  I better go so I can call the police and report this.  I will see you in a little bit, ok?”  Naturally, I’m concerned and horrified for the husband and continue on my way over to his place.  After several mintues pass, the police arrive and the husband phones me to tell me he has not been robbed after all.  I’m confused by this and ask him, “Why?  What happened to make you feel otherwise?”  He responds, “Well, I noticed the dog is kinda hiding from me and has dirt on his face.  One of my plants has been knocked over in the living room.  You see, I wasn’t robbed.  It was just that damn dog that destroyed my apartment!  I’m gonna kill him!!!”


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I was looking for a job and then I GOT THE JOB!!

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 23, 2008

Quick update:  I received and accepted a job offer for the rockstar job this afternoon and am excited beyond belief!  🙂

I will be back later for your regularly scheduled blog entry.


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Frolicking puppy

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 22, 2008

I just received this adorable link and had to share it with everyone.  There is nothing that touches me more than the innocent and loving spirit of animals and children.  Enjoy!

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The lights are on, but no one’s home

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 22, 2008

Firstly, let me apologize for the delay between Thursday’s blog entry and today’s.  I realize that I left so many of you hanging and I was stunned by the number of email inquiries jamming my inbox once I returned online.  To answer your burning questions…yes, I am still alive and kicking and yes, I had the third interview for the rockstar job opportunity on Friday.

To preface, I am a seasoned professional when it comes to being laid off in the corporate arena and then forced into the hell phase of endless interviewing for a new job.  Given this fact, I’ve become a bit convoluted in my judgment when it boils down to whether or not I feel I’ve got a job in the bag once I’ve completed the final interview process.  I’ve left many interviews with the gut feeling that I would receive an employment offer because of positive comments the potential employer made to me during the interview.  I would wait with baited breath for the offer to come and for some unknown reason, it never would.  So, I eventually got to the point where I stopped trying to ‘guesstimate’ whether or not I felt I would get the job.   I know this may seem like a negative way to think, but I’ve found that if you don’t expect anything, you’re not as deeply disappointed if it doesn’t pan out for you.  Nevertheless, my point in all of this is to say that the final interview went fantastic and I’m very hopeful that an offer will be made before the holiday break.  Do I expect one?  Yes and no.  Yes, because there is absolutely NO reason why they shouldn’t pick me for this position given how tailored my experience fits the niche they require.  And no, because of the expectation bit that I just explained in the prior sentences.  But, let’s just say that I hope to be pleasantly surprised for a change.

Since I’ve been temporarily taking refuge at the home of my parental units, I’ve purposely tried to distance myself from the husband so that he can familarize himself with the idea of not having me around.  I know that getting used to not having your spouse there is not entirely possible when you’ve spent years with them as the center of your universe.  When that center falls out, it completely disorients your entire reality.  Having been the one who was abandoned in my first marriage, I thought about why distancing myself from the husband is ultimately the best course of action for us both as we are going through this process.  When I reflect on my first marriage, I recall all too well what it felt like when my ex-husband told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, yet still hung around the house as if the declaration of his intent to bail shouldn’t affect my daily living pattern.  How can anybody think this way?!  This is the epitome of being a self-centered bastard who is thinking only of himself and his own comfort.  Telling your spouse that you desire to end your marriage, but staying in your residence with them during the process is the proverbial cherry on top of the cruel and unusual punishment cake.  If you have any love or compassion for your spouse and desire to inflict the least amount of collateral damage possible, then living in separate residences while you are getting divorced should be the only option.  It is the fastest route to self-reliance for both of you.

The ironic part about me purposely distancing myself from the husband is that he actually thinks that I’m being selfish by not calling him and keeping him company in his lonely state.  I mean, “I obviously don’t care (and have never cared)  about him if I am able to be remove myself so easily from our marriage.”  And yes, that’s a direct quote from the husband’s mouth.  He actually is dense enough to think that I’m allowing him to live in my home with my dog while I live with my parents because I “don’t care about him.”  After all, doesn’t everyone want to live with their parents when they are in their mid-30s and they’ve been independent for years?! 

So, when the husband makes these and other ridiculous and unfounded comments, I choose the path of least resistance and ignore them rather than respond to them.  When push comes to shove, what good comes from banging your head against a brick wall that can’t comprehend any measure of reasoning?  And this, in a nutshell, is the husband.  Yes, the lights are on, but no one’s home.


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Be hopeful

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 18, 2008

Well, this has been a hectic week to say the very least.  When I woke on Monday, I had a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing everything that is facing me presently.  When I actually allow myself to think about it longer than say thirty seconds, I find myself swimming in an ocean of despair.  So, I always try to put my  ‘happy happy, joy joy’ hat on and face the world  with the hope and mission of tackling my adversities.

I met with my attorney this week to sign the dreaded ‘D’ papers, and despite the fact that I know I am making the right decision for my long-term happiness, it is still a gut-wrenching process.  It doesn’t matter what circumstances led you to this precipice or how horrible your situation has become.  When you are sitting there, staring at the finality of your broken dream in black and white, it knocks the breath out of you.  You begin to reflect on the good times the two of you once shared, how you fell in love with your spouse, and the plethora of promises you made to one another when it seemed like you would conquer the world together.  I will always cherish these memories and despite my heartache from another failed marriage, I will hold on to the good times we shared.  This is the only way to move forward without becoming a victim to raging hostility and dislike of the other person.  Hating and blaming your spouse may seem easier for you to progress, but ultimately, the person who suffers the most from harboring this resentment is you.

To get back to my story, my week was off to a rocky start and I was certain that things could not get any worse than they currently are.  I found myself falling into the habit of holding a pity party for one, until I realized that absolutely nothing positive could arise from thinking and feeling this way.  I do have much to be thankful for and those are the things I should embrace now.  My wonderful and completely selfless family, my cherished inner circle of friends, and last but never least, my adorable snaggled-tooth puppy of 11 years.  Once I began to channel my negative energy into the positive aspects of my life, I received a call for a second interview for the most rockstar job I could ever dream of.  The company is fantastic, stable and profitable.  The job itself is an eerie match to my talents and 14 years’ experience in the industry.  When I went back to meet the rest of the team that I would be working with, I felt an instant rapport with them.  Not only were they incredibly bright and intelligent, but they each had such a great sense of humor.  Let me just say this…a sense of humor should be a requirement for the field in which I have worked all of these years.  It’s a high stress, demanding, visible position where you are held to a higher standard than most of your peers.  Without getting into too much detail, let’s just say that it’s a fairly niche type of position.  Not many people fit this role or have the patience (or talent) to truly do well.  Ironically, I fit this niche which has always made me more marketable in the job arena than many others with a more generalized background.  However, on the flip side of the coin, these type of positions are few and far between so it’s entirely up to you to sell yourself, your talents, your merits, and most of all, why they should select you above all other candidates.

So, I went into this second interview and did just that.  I didn’t hold back or allow myself to be too intimidated not to ‘toot my own horn.’  And the interview went off better than I could have expected.  When I put that first foot on the floor this morning, I felt hope swelling inside of me.  Hope that this fantastic opportunity will pan out for me, hope that I can conquer a new life on my own, hope that I can be around others who appreciate me for who I am rather than who they think I ought to be and hope for a more promising tomorrow.  After coffee this morning and a few nibbles to settle my growling stomach, I received a call from this company to return tomorrow for a final, third interview to meet the CEO and partners.  Naturally, I am thrilled beyond measure.

What is the moral of Mozzie’s story?  Hope is a good thing, perhaps the best of things…and a good thing never dies.


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Loved and lost

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 16, 2008

I’ve been thinking deeply these last few months about the old proverb, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  I have to be honest and tell you that I really struggle with this notion.  When I look back over my life, I can say whole-heartedly…Yes, I have loved much and loved completely.  I have felt the joy that only arises from true love, the anticipation of spending every waking moment with that other person, and ultimately, the abject bliss of sharing the promise of spending the rest of your lives together.  However, having been through marriage twice now (I am so thrilled to admit), I honestly feel that marriage in and of itself is just that:  a promise.  It is a promise that you will love the other person utterly and completely with everything you are, respect them even when they aren’t at the top of your ‘likeable’ list, take care of them when they are sick and unable to care for themselves, and help shoulder the burden when your family of two falls on difficult times.  Above all, it is a promise of partnership; a vow that you will always contribute everything you can to the other person, your life together, and to your future.

My point with this elementary explanation is that if I am totally honest with myself, I’ve never experienced marriage as it should be.  In both instances, I gave more than I received, loved more than I was loved, and held on to that promise with more zeal and respect than the other partner involved.  So, by the most basic definition, I have loved and lost.  Many people I know often comment that I’m just ‘jaded’ by my experiences and that it isn’t like this for everyone.  Believe me, I know it isn’t.  I have family members who have sustained happy and fulfilling marriages longer than I have been on this earth.  Is there some great secret that they are aware of that I was never told?  Are they that much better judges of character than I am when it comes to choosing their life partner?  Or, did they just get ‘lucky?’  I think it’s probably a combination of these things and quite frankly, the idea of marriage for my generation is much different that it is/was for the generations before me.  Marriage wasn’t viewed as a potentially temporary situation where one party could bail if they got bored with the other person, thought they could get a younger and hipper model, or just simply got tired of being around them.  They realized that they were making a lifetime commitment to the other person and it was the most sacred covenant they could possibly ever make, perhaps other than parenthood.  But today, in our easy-come easy-go society, people are disposable and promises are made simply to be broken.  Nothing guts me more than this behavior.

I know many of you are thinking, “Wait a second, Mozzie, isn’t that what you are doing by divorcing your husband?  Aren’t you breaking your promise to him?”  I suppose on the surface, yes, I am.  But, it is so much deeper and more involved than that.  When I look back on my marriages, it wasn’t me who broke the promises.  It wasn’t me that vowed to be one way when we said “I do,” but ended up acting and living a life contrary to that.  I was the one who gave everything and sacrificed all that I was.  I was the one who fought tooth and nail to make the marriages work and for the other person to see what needed to be rectified in the relationship in order to have a happy life together.  I did all the praying, made all the counseling appointments, initiated all the talks, and pleaded for understanding from the other person.  And in both marriages, nothing was gained from my efforts but loss and heartbreak.  In both instances, I loved completely, and ultimately, lost everything.

So, is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  I really can’t say at this point in my life.  Perhaps in ten years, I will feel differently and be able to answer unequivocally ‘yes.’  But right now, with so much loss consuming me, I simply don’t feel that it is.  Jaded?  Maybe.  Or maybe I just allowed myself to fall so deeply that I wasn’t able to see the whites of their lies.

And today, only one song will do…

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A ‘need to know’ basis

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 15, 2008

I spent the weekend with a  dear friend whose sense of humor and genuine support is a welcomed distraction from my current reality.  Perhaps what I like most about this friend is that they don’t bombard me with a littany of questions about my situation with the husband.  Yes, they are naturally concerned for my well-being, however, they almost seem to ‘know’ that I’m just not equipped to answer certain questions right now.  Does this make any sense?  Probably not, however, I will do my best to explain.

You see, being a private person, my innate instinct  is to keep my personal business to myself.  Even among my closest loved ones, I prefer to share what is necessary and keep the details to myself.  First and foremost, it’s really not anyone else’s business to know the intricasies of my life, daily routine and personal situation.  I’ve found that the more you ‘invite’ others into this space, the more crowded your reality becomes…eventually, too close for even your own comfort.  So, I share what I must to reassure my friends and loved ones that I am ‘okay’ and they need not worry about me 24/7.  I got myself into this situation and yes, I am working towards finding my way out.  I often find myself wondering why those closest to you feel the need to ask every little emerging question about your situation.  ‘What are you going to do?  Why can’t you kick him out?  When is he going to leave and why don’t you make him? What does he say to you when you talk?  Why did you marry him anyways? (Sheesh!)”…etc etc.  I do understand that these are reasonable questions, but why do others expect what they feel is an acceptable answer to these questions when I am unable and unwilling to address them?  How do they feel this scrutiny is helpful even in the slightest regard?

I suppose my point with all of this is that sometimes the greatest gift I can give a friend or a loved one is simply listening and being supportive.  This entails hearing what they have to say without opinion or judgment, and easing their mind by reminding them that they can still laugh without being overwhelmed by their current situation.  People have no idea what a gift this is to another soul who is struggling with divorce, death, or even life in general.  If a friend is troubled and seeks your advice or opinion, they will ask you for it.  Don’t assume that you have free liscense to inquire about the ins and outs of their personal situation or tragedy.  Trust me, your friend is having a difficult enough time navigating these waters on his own, searching for answers and understanding that often takes months and years to emerge.

So, for this particular friend to whom I am referring:  Thank you for being exactly what I need right now.  Thank you for listening without constant commentary.  Thank you for reminding me to laugh when I feel it’s impossible.  Thank you for expecting nothing more but what I am able to give.  Thank you for seeing me for who I am and not who you feel I ought to be.  And most of all, thank you for being my friend.


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Let the right one slip in

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 11, 2008

As you are all painfully aware,  I am navigating through a sufficient doo-doo storm right now in my life.  I am at the mercy of the legal system in terms of receiving an expeditious divorce, struggling to find a job, and living in between the parental units’ home, my home and the homes of several close friends.  Sometimes, I find myself infuriated and frustrated with the limbo land I’m currently in, but then I remind myself that getting upset and worried about it won’t change the situation or make it come to a conclusion any faster.  I  really do understand why many people, once they decide to reclaim their life after a horrible marriage, simply flee with a few items and leave the rest behind.  The idea of this is incredibly intoxicating and tempting at times, particularly when you feel like your life is in a constant holding pattern and it must be…it has to be…BETTER somewhere else.  The inherent problem with running away from your problems or situation is that the only thing that really changes is geography.  The residual effect of the problem from which you sought to escape tends to follow you to your new destination.  At least, in my case it seems this way.

So, I’m attempting to look at my current situation in a different way than I typically have in the past.  Yes, I want it to be over and I want to be happy again, but being patient (not complacent, however), is a vital requirement for your own sanity.  I try and tackle each day and the problems contained therein with a positive outlook and as an opportunity to learn something new about myself and what I want the remainder of my life on this earth to entail.  After giving this approach much thought, I think I’ve finally pinpointed what my personal keys to happiness are.  They may seem childish and rudimentary on the surface, but I feel they encompass a much greater good…a much better goal than obsessing about the impedending calamity of current events.

To answer your nagging question, yes, there are many things I want in my life.  Would I like to love again?  Certainly.  However, instead of premptively planning the future in my own mind, I choose to take each day as it presents itself.  By not setting expectations in your own psyche, you are much less likely to suffer from disappointment when those expectations fall short.  My keys to happiness  are to be the very best friend, sister, daughter, and person that I can possibly be.  In doing this and through sharing my own compassion and care with others, I know I will find the sense of fulfillment I’ve always searched for.  In essence, let go of past regret and welcome new opportunities and experiences.  As Morrissey says, “let the right one slip in.”

Let the right one in
Let the old dreams die
Let the wrong ones go
They cannot
They cannot
They cannot do what you want them to

Let the right one in
Let the old dreams die
Let the wrong ones go
They do not
They do not
They do not see what you want them to

Let the right one in
Let the old games fade
Put the tricks and schemes (for good) away

I will advise
Until my mouth dries
I will advise you to…
let the right one slip in
Slip in
Slip in

And when at last it does
I’d say you were within your rights to bite
The right one and say, “What kept you so long?”
“What kept you so long?”

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When the words won’t come out

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 8, 2008

I was thinking earlier today about a conversation I had with a close friend several days ago.  We were discussing the notion of being a good ‘communicator’ and successfully being able to verbalize one’s emotions.  I suppose what led up to this conversation was my confession to her that I’ve always been an extremely private person, sharing very little of my ‘true’ self with the vast majority of my acquaintances.  I’ve typically been the reserved wallflower in the back of a crowded room, never offering my voice unless it was specifically asked of me.  Granted, this personality characteristic was much more prevalent during my childhood and adolescent years, and most people who know me as an adult today would never in a million years believe I was even remotely introverted.  I suppose that years of playing hardball within the corporate business arena taught me how to disguise this tendency.


Obviously, my fascination with words and language first sprouted roots during childhood when I discovered a solace within the blank pages of my composition notebook.  It was within these pages that I not only found my voice, but learned not to be afraid of it.  I realized that I did have something to say, even if it was something that I often had trouble verbalizing when facing another human being.  So, when the words wouldn’t ‘come out,’ I transferred these thoughts and feelings to paper where I would attempt to make sense of them.  If I had a disagreement with a friend or loved one, I would write it in a note or a letter to them.  If I wanted to tell them how fantastic I thought they were or to thank them for a thoughtful gesture, I would be scribble it on a piece of paper and either stick in their backpack or within the slots of their locker at school.  Always safe, and always on my own comfortable terms.


As an adult, however, I came to realize the importance of being able to express myself verbally.  I used to think that if I couldn’t say exactly what was going through my mind, I shouldn’t say anything at all.  This is a terrible fallacy because before you know it, you’ve accumulated a lifetime of moments and opportunities where you could have, and should have, told someone exactly what you were thinking and feeling about them.  These moments are precious and fleeting, and we should take every opportunity to embrace them and tell others how precious they are to us.  I have a very simple motto by which I live my life:  “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”  Don’t over-analyze every thought and emotion to the extent that you don’t even know how to communicate your feelings anymore.  Just say what you’re thinking and most importantly, MEAN it.  If you are moved to tell someone that you love them, then by all means, MEAN it when you say it.  I guarantee that the person on the receiving end is taking you at your word, so don’t throw it around casually.  Mean it when you say it.


If you are in a relationship and your partner consistently does something that upsets you or makes you feel undervalued, then TELL them.  Don’t wait until the ‘right’ words come to mind or procrastinate until you reach the point that you feel they won’t be interested in what you have to say.  Relationships are built on trust and communication.  Without one of these ingredients, the whole house will tumble.  The beauty of expression through the written word is a prized talent, however, the exercise of verbal expression is a vanishing art form in daily life.  Thoreau wrote, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”  Why is this?  I think it’s rather simple.  Most people don’t know how to communicate their thoughts, feelings and dreams to those close to them.  After years of keeping these thoughts to themselves, they eventually reach a point where they are convinced that no one is interested or wants to hear them.  What a sad commentary on life this is.

So, where am I going with all of this?  Yes, words sometimes get in the way of us being able to effectively communicate what is on our minds.  Yes, we sometimes retreat within an isolated cloud where we keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves, fearing that no one could possibly understand or relate to what we are thinking.  The point is…SO WHAT?  Nothing ventured, nothing gained so just SAY it even when the words won’t ‘come out.’  Say what you mean and mean what you say and I guarantee that not only will others listen, but they will respect you even more because of it.


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All you need is love?

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 7, 2008

I’ve spent the past four days with the parental units in an effort to escape the chaos, hysteria and generally horrendous cloud hanging over my home right now. They say that ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ huh? I think absence makes the will grow stronger, personally. Obviously, I’ve known the appropriate course of action to take in my marriage for quite some time now, however, simply stepping outside of the situation for a few days can do wonders to clarify and solidify your feelings. If you doubt me, give it a whirl. One of two things will happen and you will either say: 1. “I’m an idiot for thinking that way. My situation isn’t nearly as bad as it seemed.” or 2. “I cannot believe I’ve been living this way. What in the world have I been thinking all of these months and years?!” I don’t think it takes a brain surgeon to decipher which of these two responses I fall under. Perhaps the most difficult part for both me and others is in understanding why it took me so long to see this for myself.

It hasn’t been an easy situation, trying to explain to the husband why I feel the need to have time to myself and for us to be living separately. For months, he’s been in a state of denial as far as my intent to end our marriage, and it seems that only in the past few weeks has he started to realize that this is actually going to happen and there isn’t anything he can do about it. In short, “This chic is toast…game over, man. Game over.” I realize some of you might be inclined to think that I am unforgiving or half-heartedly committed to my marriage by being able to say this rather tongue-in-cheek. Actually, that could not be farther from the truth. For years, I’ve done everything…been everything…put in 150% day in and day out, only to be met by broken promises and disappointment after disappointment. The most ironic thing about my ‘bad marriage’ track record is that you will never meet anyone who believes in love and the beauty of what marriage is intended to be more than I do. I’ve grown up with the most wonderful examples of it, my parents and even my grandparents. But, even with the best example presented to you throughout your life, your marriage is only as good as what each partner is willing to put into it. I’ve been married two times now. Both times, I married men who were unable to meet me half-way on the spouse spectrum. Both times, I married men who promised one thing at the altar, yet behaved an entirely different way once we came home. C’est la vie, indeed.

I in no way intend this to sound like a pity party on my behalf, as I’m just as accountable in the situation for not making a wiser decision in the first place. I know what you are thinking: ‘Didn’t you know your husband was like this before you married him? Surely, there were signs, weren’t there?’ The answer to these questions are no and yes. No, I didn’t know my husband was like this until after we married and yes, there were signs that I should have paid more attention to. It’s like I’ve said a million times before: I am a human being who makes stupid mistakes like each and every person. I am just as fallible and accountable for my decisions.

All of this makes me reflect on The Beatles’ lyrics, “All you need is love. Love is all you need.” Do you need love to sustain a happy and lifelong marriage? Absofreakin’ lutely. Is this ‘all’ you need? No way…not even remotely. A long and happy marriage also requires trust, mutual respect, and the ability to give even when you feel like you’ve already contributed more than your fair share.

I will leave you with a quote from an article I read recently that stuck in my mind. “Most people think marriage is 50/50.  It’s not. It’s 60/40. You give 60.  You take 40. And that goes for both of you. Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E.”


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Trouble loves me

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 5, 2008

Phew, what a crazy couple of days it has been at Mozzie’s pad.  Needless to say, informing the husband of filing the ‘D’ papers didn’t go over very well.  After four hours of what amounted to a one-sided lecture (from him to me), I managed to escape somewhat unscathed to the parental units for rest, reflection and a lot of TLC.  Just what the doctor ordered.  The most frustrating aspect of talking with a non-listener is trying to reason logically to them.  This is about as futile an effort as trying to solve the current economic crisis over night.  When things ‘go bad’ in a situation, it usually didn’t happen in 24 hours.  Typically, there is so much that led up to the event, so many little things which at the time didn’t seem insurmountable.  The problem with this is that eventually all of the little things add up into an incredible stack of teetering dominos.  If you stack the pile high enough, all it takes is one more domino on the top of the pile to send the whole mess tumbling down.  My situation with the husband is no exception to this analogy.

Being such a compassionate person makes the situation doubly difficult.  You see, when your life is a mess, it doesn’t just affect you.  It affects your parents, your immediate family, your friends, and even your sweet little snaggle-toothed puppy.  All who love you feel the heat and often get burned from it.  Divorce doesn’t just ‘happen’ to you.  The collateral damage ripples out to all who love you as well.  This is the worst part of it all and makes you feel like the lousiest person in the world for being so stupid.


Nevertheless, my situation is what it is and I am doing my best to take one day at a time.  I am thankful for my family and for always having a few people who I know I can depend on, despite my circumstances.  I am also grateful that once I removed my rose-colored glasses and saw the husband for exactly who and what he is, I found the courage to say, “No, this isn’t ok to live like this.  I deserve better.  I’d rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones.”  This is how I feel and ultimately, I know it is a good thing.  Yes, I’m terrified of the notion of facing the unknown yet again in my life, but the unknown is better than living a life beneath your standards.  You must accept responsibility for your own actions and misfortunes, but you have to forgive yourself sometimes for being human and making mistakes.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.”  I’d like to ‘high five’ Emerson for that one.  He certainly knew what he was talking about.  So, the moral of the story is: “Acknowledge, move on.”  Own up to your circumstances, mistakes and disappointments, but move on to the next phase in your life.  Don’t let your past dictate the course of your future.

I will leave you with the incredible lyrics of Martin Gore: “You’ve got to move on sometime, and it’s about time, by putting one foot in front of the other and repeating the process.”

Twinkle, Twinkle,



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Posted by mozziestarlet on December 4, 2008

Dear friends,

I am currently staying with my parents and am safe.  So many of you have emailed with your concerns since my last post.  I will return later with today’s entry.

Thank you and God Bless all of you,


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There speaks a true friend

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 30, 2008

Right, so I was having a conversation last night with a friend who informed me that men and women inherently can’t ‘just be friends.’  He was alluding to the idea that encapsulated the movie, ‘When Harry Met Sally,’ and that every man wants to be intimate with a woman he finds attractive.  Below is a snippet of that conversation from the movie… 


Harry Burns: “You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.”



So, it really got my mind reeling at this notion, mainly because I’ve typically had more male friends than female in my life, and I haven’t had sex with any of them.  What I’m wondering is:  Am I an exception to the rule?  Do members of the opposite sex befriend you with the subconscious agenda that they will eventually be intimate with you?  I can’t help but beg to differ here. 


My BFF of over 11 years now is male and we’ve never been even remotely romantic with one another.  I know what you’re thinking: “Is he ugly?  Are you?”  I can say that he’s absolutely adorable and very easy on the eyes.  As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been told I’m ‘pretty’ many times, so I’m willing to give that assessment the benefit of the doubt.  So, why haven’t we been romantically involved?  I think it’s a fairly simple answer.  We both value our friendship above anything else and hold it in very high esteem.  I can’t help but quote Morrissey here, “Is it really so strange?”


What I find particularly amusing about this scenario is how much this frustrates other women.  If I am friends with ‘their man,’ they automatically assume that I have romantic intentions towards him and want him for my own.  The female can even be sitting with us as we talk and hear our conversation, and yet, she is still inclined to be jealous of me.  Why is this?  What in the world is there to be jealous of in having or discovering a new friend?  Should it matter whether they have male or female private parts in order to establish a connection with them?  I really do wish I could answer this question, as it always seems to be a reoccurring issue for me.


Perhaps I’m too rudimentary in my thinking.  I subscribe to the basic notion that Thoreau wrote of in the late 1800s.  He said, “A friend is a person before whom I may think aloud.”  That’s the beautiful and simple truth in my mind.  Friendship is entirely different than romantic attachment.  I can only hope that others might eventually feel this way and shelve their feelings of jealousy, skepticism and insecurity.  Lighten up…take a chill pill…It’s all good!  How could it be anything but that?


“The Dummy” by Michael Mack

In that forgotten part of town
Where wasted hopes and dreams abound,
A wrinkled man with life near end,
In hopes to have at least one friend,
Fashioned bits of wood and things
And made a dummy run by strings.

He sat alone for hours on end,
Conversing with his only friend
And found delight within the fact
That he controlled it’s every act.
He told it how he never had
A chance, since all his luck was bad
Although he’d tried so to succeed –
The dummy nodded and agreed.
And how his journeys in romance
Had never given him a chance,
And wasn’t it a crying shame
That he was always held to blame
When everyone knew, oh so well,
That life is but a living Hell,
Controlled by lust and power and greed?
The dummy nodded and agreed.
With patience that would rival saints,
That dummy sat through all complaints
And, with each little expert tug,
He’d droop his head or bow or shrug
And give some comfort to the man
Who held his lifelines in his hand
And helped to fill a lonely need
When he just nodded and agreed.
Senility increased with time
As did the old man’s phantomime,
And feverish fingers pulled with glee
The dummy’s dance of misery.
They never left each other’s side
Until the day both stopped and died.
We found them lying, hand in hand,
The dummy – and his wooden friend.


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Search Engine Optimization? mmmkay.

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 29, 2008

As the creator and administrator of this blog, I am able to view the ‘search terms’ that lead people to my site.  I know I shouldn’t laugh, but I can’t help myself.  And people say I’m the ‘crazy’ one, huh?  At least I know I’m not alone! 

“And if I seem a little strange, well that’s because I am.”  (Morrissey)


Top Search Engine Terms for The “Bad Husband” Chronicles:


Bad Husband Chronicles

I have been a bad husband

Magic potion for bad husband

Being so far from your friends, and you’re all alone

Poems about husband’s boss

How to make an Alabama Slammer

Burn down office without getting caught

TGIF quotes

Hilarious email

Alcoholic husband has a bad odor

My husband and his co-worker are too close

Don’t forget the lyrics

My dog eats poop

I want a magic carpet

Go sell crazy somewhere else

How to make someone realize that her husband is an ass

Slipping husband Xanax

Bad marriage

How do I make my marriage right after years of it being wrong?

Electric blanket and diarrhea



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Mozziestar Flashback Entry: Senior year of high school, 1991

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 29, 2008


I found this relic in my English notebook from high school.  I don’t know why, but I find it so amusing.  The irony is that I am still the same girl, just older and hopefully, wiser now.  Enjoy…


5-21-91: “Assignment: What are some thorns in your side?”

Well, this should be an interesting assignment given that I’ve always considered myself to be ‘the girl with a thorn in her side.’  Here are just a few of the things that come to mind that truly bug me:

1. People

2. Myself

3. Noise

4. Dishonesty

5. Cruelty

6. Stupidity

7. No milk for breakfast

8. Sunshine in my bedroom at 7am on Saturday AND Sunday mornings

9. Betrayal

10. Accounting class

11. Country music

12. Obscenity

13. Rudeness

14. No clean underwear

15. Alarm clocks

16. Humid days

17. School

18. Life

19. Death

20. Women (come on, tell me I’m wrong!)

21. The forever ‘missing’ other sock

22. Toxic waste

23. Not enough time or paper to finish this list

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Posted by mozziestarlet on November 28, 2008

A note from Mozziestar:  “If you are a new visitor, please click on “Archives.”

This will boggle your mind. I know it did mine!

The year is 1908.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1908:

*********** ********* ********* ******

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which

Were condemned in the press AND the government as ‘substandard.’

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used

Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.


Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, ‘Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.’

 (Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.


Now…Imagine where we will be in 2108.  Skeery, isn’t it?




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Thanksgiving additions

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 27, 2008

I couldn’t help but share these.  They are so beautiful and inspiring.  Love to you all and your families.  Oh Mozziestar, so much to be thankful for.  🙂

Keep shining,


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Give Thanks

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 27, 2008


With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I felt it would only be appropriate to fiddle around with the subject.  I’ve always considered myself a ‘thankful’ person, often putting the needs of others before my own, and expecting little in return.  I carefully remind myself daily to acknowledge the blessings I have in my life, rather than dwell on all the broken and missing pieces.  Trust me, I am as human as the next person.  Like you, I frequently fall into the trap of negative thinking when it seems everything is plummeting down on me at the exact same moment in time.  In a sense, I’ve often viewed my life as a Shakespearean ‘Comedy of Errors,’ only no one, including me, understands the humor.


Many of you would never suspect it, but I have struggled with depression most of my life.  I trace it back to around twelve years old when I first noticed it.  It took several years to diagnose, and many more to successfully treat it.  I have no family history of depression, no sad story of abuse or neglect, and no abandonment or desertion issues.  I come from an ideal family, with loving parents married for forty years, and two of the most amazing brothers anyone could possibly ever dream of.  So, what could I possibly be depressed about…especially at twelve years old?


I have spent many years of my adolescent and adult life trying to answer this question.  I can hardly know if there is a ‘correct’ answer here, but I think it has to do with being more aware than the average person.  If you’ve heard the expression, “Wearing your heart on your sleeve,” imagine wearing your heart, soul, hopes, and dreams in the same spot.  It gets fairly crowded there and unfortunately, this unique set of attributes often makes you an unsuspecting and easy target for life’s frequent misfires.  I have been nailed too many times to count.  Nevertheless, I’ve learned from every wound and battle scar, even if it was often in retrospect.  I believe the most valuable and precious thing I’ve learned is this…


Be thankful for the blessings in your life, whether great or small.  Often the greatest gifts come in the smallest packages.  Show love, kindness and gratitude to everyone, even when your gut instinct doesn’t want you to.  In giving, you will receive.  In loving, you will be loved.  Learn from the past, but do not let it dictate the course of your future.  As Thoreau said, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.”  Be willing to risk in order to gain the reward.  Take a leap of faith despite how firmly your feet may be planted.


After thirty-five years, I am going to attempt this for the first time in my life.  I may sink or I may swim, but I will appreciate the journey and those who have brought sunshine to my pathway along the way.


Have A Wonderful Thanksgiving,


“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”
– Albert Schweitzer
“Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”
– Brian Tracy
“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
– Marcel Proust
“Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you’ll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you’ll find that you have more of it.”
– Ralph Marston



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Hump day haha

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 26, 2008


For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don’t take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don’t* know! Now get this.  I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, ”Hello?’ ‘

I politely said, ”This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?”

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled, ”You’re a jackass!” and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word ”jackass,” and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up.

He’d answer, and I’d yell, ”You’re a jackass!”

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.  Then one day I had an idea.

I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, ”Hello.” I made up a name. ”Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?”

He went, ”No!” and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, ”That’s because you’re a jackass!”

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave.  Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. ” Great,” I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, ”You can’t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!” The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, “This guy’s a jackass. There sure a lot of jackasses in this world.”

I noticed he had a ”For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ”You’re a jackass!” (It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, ”Hello.”

I said, ”Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?”
”Yes, it is.”

”Can you tell me where I can see it?”

”Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.”

I said, ”What’s your name?”

”My name is Don Hansen.”

”When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

”I’m home in the evenings.”

”Listen Don, can I tell you something?”


”Don, you’re a jackass!” And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, ”Hello.”

I yelled ”You’re a jackass!” but I didn’t hang up.

The jackass said, ”Are you still there?”

I said, ”Yeah.”

He said, ”Stop calling me.”

I said, ”No.”

He said, ”What’s you name, pal?”

I said, ”Don Hansen.”

He said, ”Where do you live?”

”1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front.”

”I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”

”Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, ”Hello.”

I said, ”Hello, Jackass!”

He said, ”If I ever find out who you are…”

”You’ll what?”

”I’ll kick your butt.”

”Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jackass!” And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!


The best prank call ever….

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Tuesday poetry: Chicken soup for the soul

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 25, 2008


* All poems included here were written by Mozziestar and are protected under copyright law.



You have disappointed me

far more

than you have ever

loved me.




Each day that life presents

I remind myself

to be thankful;

Despite my heartbreak

and personal tragedy,

I know that beneath

the hysteria

a lesson exists to be learned,

and I must be brave enough

to embrace it.




True friends

are the sunlight of my days

and the solace

of my nights




We started as strangers,

sharing our stories

over a bustling crowd of flesh-eaters;

The booze flowed,

while the smoke from your cigarette

swirled about my face.

We laughed a lot,

between smiles and glances,

and after four hours of fleeting seconds,

I finally drove you home

without the courage

to stay behind.




You pleaded for those




to escape my lips

and so,

I gave them to you

along with several others –

I don’t love you anymore.



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Rainy days and Mondays

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 24, 2008

I woke up this morning and debated whether or not to write an entry today.  I’ve always subscribed to the notion that my parents taught me as a kid: “Now Mozzie, if you can’t say anything ‘nice,’ don’t say anything at all.”  I really do try and approach my life this way, as childish and rudimentary as it may seem.  The ‘thing’ is that most days I manage to survive relatively well.  I do my best to maintain a positive attitude, constantly reminding myself that there are so many others who are facing trials and adversities in their lives, but occasionally, I find myself thinking “Seriously, how much more crap can I take in my life?”  Today is one of those days.


Like the rest of America, I am having a horrible time trying to find a job.  I’ve sent out at least several hundred resumes, replies to job postings, inquires, etc. and absolutely nothing has come to fruition.  I wish this were the only troublesome thing facing me currently, but it’s not, by any stretch of the imagination.  I received my initial paperwork to file for divorce this morning, and even though I know it’s the ‘right’ decision to make, it felt like a virus sitting in my inbox.  Sort of like a written manifestation of yet another failure I’ve managed to accomplish in my thirty-five years on this planet.  And no, I’m not trying to hold a pity party on my behalf, but, when I look back at my life thus far, I’m amazed at how much misfortune and doo doo that I’ve had to endure.  Marriages flushed down the toilet at lightening speed, false friendships, betrayals, disappointments, and lay off after lay off after lay off.  Why does this continue to happen to me?  If I’m such a ‘good’ person, why do I have more than my fair share of pain and hardship? 


I cannot answer this question, despite how much I spin my wheels in futility.  I find myself sighing while thinking of Morrissey’s words, “Scavenging through life’s very constant lulls, so far from where I intended to go.”  Despite this, when I face trials and problems that feel insurmountable, I often look to The Bible for wisdom and understanding.  I realize that many view The Bible as a folk story or a collection of ancient ‘do good’ sayings.  I suppose, on the surface, it can be viewed as such.  But, I look at it from the standpoint of someone who suffered, yet overcame, the most unbelievable hardship and adversity that anyone possibly ever could.  This gives me comfort and somehow, gives me strength as well.


If difficult times serve to build character, then I am on my way to becoming a living personification of that ideal.  Will I look back on my life one day and say, “Oh, so THAT is why that happened?  I get it now.”  I certainly hope so.  There’s nothing worse than spending your life waiting for an absolution that will never come.  So, I won’t.  I’ll take each quandary as it comes and try and learn what I can from it.  And perhaps someday, I will understand.



“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
– Deuteronomy 31:8


“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
– Matthew 6:34


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I must be trippin’

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 22, 2008

5am:  I’m predictably awake and decide attempting to fall back asleep is as futile an effort as trying to launch the space shuttle from my backyard.  I creep downstairs, turn the heat up and start the coffee pot.  The kitchen is in its usual morning shambles, cluttered with the husband’s dirty dishes, pocket change, and empty soda cans.  I’m too groggy to begin my cleanup duties and instead decide to cuddle up on the sofa and watch a movie.  Gas, Food, Lodging’ is my morning movie of choice.


8am:  My puppy jingles downstairs, obviously aware that life is stirring on the floor beneath him, and wakes me from my catnap on the sofa.  I reach over to pet him, but he’s as regular as rain when it comes to his morning potty routine.  So, I scoot off the comfy spot and trudge to the back door to hook him to his lead to carry on with his business.  Several minutes pass and I realize that he hasn’t come scratching on the back door to be let back inside.  Naturally, I’m concerned so I open the door to the back patio and see his lead completely ensnared and entangled around the wheel of the garbage can.  I begin to fuss at him, as he always seems to accomplish something of this nature, but realize that I’m going to have to unhook him from the lead to get him free.  I silently debate this for a moment, knowing all too well the lightening speed escape that my puppy is capable of.  Seeing no other option, I unhook him and begin untangling the lead from the garbage wheel.  Within five seconds, my puppy has taken off faster than a bullet fired at close range.  I panic, as losing him in a moment of carelessness has always been my greatest fear in these eleven years.  I am immediately forced with a dilemma.  You see, my backyard is nearly a 90 degree slope, plummeting into wilderness and overgrown poison oak and ivy.  My neighbors all have barricades or fences surrounding their backyards, so crossing through them to retrieve my misbehaving puppy isn’t an option.  It’s either down the slope or nothing at all.


I take two steps very carefully down the dangerous slope before my right foot slides out from under me, and I begin my thunderous fall down the embankment.  I plummet head first into a rapid roll, only to be stopped by a gigantic pine tree that breaks my fall across my right cheek.  The thump of my face slamming into the tree’s bark sounds like a punch scene from ‘Rocky.’  I am completely disoriented, out of breath, and stunned that I have managed to yet again, be the most unlucky and uncoordinated person on the planet.  I briefly assess my injuries, grab my right cheek in utter pain and disbelief, and moan at the raw meat that is now hanging from my right arm and left calf.  Realizing I am still alive and on a mission to rescue my puppy, I manage to stand up with arms and legs wobbling from shock and injury.


I look two yards over and see my puppy, completely frozen in stature, having obviously watched this extraordinary event firsthand.  I make my way over to him and he doesn’t move a muscle, doesn’t even attempt a sniff or a probable getaway.  He realizes what has just happened and knows that he’s the guilty party that caused this whole calamity.  I pick him up in my shredded arm and carry him back to my back patio, not tempting fate by hoping he will return on his own.  I open the back door to the house and he makes a beeline upstairs and jumps into bed with the husband.  I walk into the bathroom to get the whole visual picture of what has just transpired.  My right cheek has an enormous red patch on it, likely to turn blue within hours, if not minutes.  The tender underside of my right arm is totally thrashed and shredded from sliding down the surface of the tree bark, and the pain is excruciating.  I wash my wounds, retrieve a frozen bag of peas from the freezer, and place it on my cheek.  As I recline on the sofa, I think to myself, “Someone out there must be filming my life.  They couldn’t write this into a series if they tried.  When will I receive my cut of the royalties?”


10am:  The red patch on my right cheek has grown into a large and dark spot now.  I look remarkably like someone has given me their best right hook punch.  As much as you are all inclined to believe that the husband inflicted this upon me, I can assure you that it was all my own doing.  And that, in and of itself, is the funniest and most ironic thing about the entire accident and most likely, about my entire weekend.





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Slip slidin’ away

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 20, 2008

9am:  I am stirred into consciousness by the sound of my dog tapping his paws and performing the ‘Curly Shuffle’ around the bed.  Poor little peach has to potty and Mama has overslept for the first time in weeks, perhaps months.  I drag one foot from the bed unto the floor, and then the other, rub my tired eyes, and make my way downstairs.  I can hear the husband’s congested snore emanating from the guest bedroom, as I imagine he’s dreaming about either the approaching of Armageddon or Woody Woodpecker.  Chances are, probably both. 

9:30am:  I sit down at my laptop, still painfully groggy, and begin to recall last night’s dream.  As you are well aware by now, dreaming is an activity I unknowingly participate in nightly, despite the fact that I’m rarely able to make any sense of it.  So, I frequently turn to the ‘experts’ for their professional guidance and opinion.  Last night’s dream was a doozie and I am still reeling in confusion.  I dreamt that I was a child again, in a large water park, surrounded by children with whom I spent my elementary school days.  Mind you, these are friends and faces that I have not seen or thought of in twenty-five years.  How they emerged in my dream, so vividly captured and recalled, beats the heck out of me.  The mind is an amazing sponge, indeed, and the irony of its power lies in its ability to ‘squeeze out’ memories from so long ago.

In my dream, I was an adult, as I am now.  My friends, however, were still children, perfectly captured in my mind’s eye as I still recall them.  We were slipping and sliding down a large waterslide, laughing and giggling throughout every twist and turn.  Given that I am far from a psychiatrist or therapist, I decide to consult the Dream Dictionary Doctors at to hopefully gain some insight.


To dream that you are on or see a waterslide, suggests that you are being swept away by your emotions. You are slowly exploring the realm of your unconscious. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are going with the flow of things without any objections or resistance.


To see children in your dream, signifies your own childlike qualities or a retreat back to a childlike state. It is an extension of your inner child during a time of innocence, purity, simplicity, and a carefree attitude. You may be longing for the past and the chance to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurtured. 

Wowzers.  Do these folks work for Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network or is it just me?  Despite these explanations hitting the proverbial nail on the head, I still ponder what my personalized response would be from The Dream Dictionary Doctors…

“Dear Mozzie, thank you once AGAIN for consulting The Dream Dictionary to identify the meaning of your childish, waterslide adventure.  Upon further analysis, it is our professional opinion that you are hopelessly trapped in 1983.  We recommend that you enter your nearest bathroom, take a look in the mirror, and reach the realization that you are thirty five years-old and are too big to go watersliding.  Youth may be wasted on the young, but you waste our time when the answers you seek are clearly in front of you.  Dry off, bid your childhood friends farewell, and take a step forward for a change.  If this effort fails, we have an immediate refferral on file on your behalf to the nearest mental health facility.  Just sayin’.  Best wishes for your eventual recovery, The Dream Dictionary Doctors.”

So, given this subliminal advice, I choose to step forward rather than backward and begin a new journey.  I may trip and stumble, and frequently lose my way, but the key is in staying the course.  What’s at the end of my journey?  Only time will tell.  Hopefully, acceptance, and most importantly, discovery.

“The past is not dead. In fact, it’s not even past.”


– William Faulkner, US novelist (1897-1962)


“If any one faculty of our nature may be called more wonderful than the rest, I do think it is memory. There seems something more speakingly incomprehensible in the powers, the failures, the inequalities of memory, than in any other of our intelligences. The memory is sometimes so retentive, so serviceable, so obedient; at others, so bewildered and so weak; and at others again, so tyrannic, so beyond control! We are, to be sure, a miracle every way; but our powers of recollecting and of forgetting do seem peculiarly past finding out.”


– Jane Austen, English novelist (1775 – 1817)


And today, only one song will do.  Enjoy…


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Hold on to your friends

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 19, 2008

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been in a bit of a reflective mode lately.  I suppose that often happens when life presents you with yet another curve ball and twist in the road, so rather than fight it, I choose to embrace it and see what I can learn from it.  Today, I’m thinking about friendship.  What is it, really?  How do you measure it?  I’ve always been accused of “expecting too much” out of my friends, so oftentimes, I find myself feeling disappointed and disgruntled when a friend fails to be there for me when I need them to be.  Years ago, I had a friend who coined me “the pillar,” because she said that I was always the one who was there for her when no one else was.  Naturally, I took this as a great compliment, knowing all too well what a great gift this is to another human being.  Even now, years later, I still wear that hat.  However, I suppose the difference now is that I’ve learned that being a pillar of strength for others must first begin with being your own.  I am mine.


Through the years, I’ve had a difficult time with my female friends.  I suppose the root of this started in adolescence when my “best” friend went behind my back and pursued my boyfriend without my knowledge.  I was completely gutted by her deception, but most of all, by her blatant disregard of the trust I had selflessly placed in our friendship.  After this transpired, I was never quite the same with my female friends.  Realizing the inherent flaws of my own sex, I became much more guarded and cautious about trusting them.  Occasionally, I would open up, share myself with them, be supportive of them, and then ultimately be stabbed in the back or simply disappointed with them.  Even to this day, I have very few female friends.  I’d like to, but I find that I have to take their friendships with a grain of salt and not expect to run into the exception to the rule.  I realize that no one is perfect by any means, but I’ve found that women can be inherently cruel and petty beyond measure.  I am neither of these things, so I’ve learned to always tread lightly when embarking on a new friendship with another woman.  I suppose you could say that I am “scarred, but smarter” now.


Excuse my digression, as the intent of this entry is to focus on friendship.  Getting back to my story, I have a very dear friend of over a decade now, who has been there through many of my trials and misfortunes through the years.  We met in the most unlikely of places, a Morrissey chat forum, back in 1997.  There was something unique about this fella from the get-go and we seemed to ‘click’ in an odd and unusual fashion, which really surprised me.  We corresponded through the forum for a few weeks until we exchanged email addresses and decided to be introduced properly.  Weekly emails transformed into daily ones and we began to share our life stories with one another.  We are very different in some regards, and yet, erringly similar in others.  Nevertheless, our differences always seem to compliment each other and even though he drives me crazy on a daily basis, I cherish his friendship.  In the past, I found myself annoyed and irritated when he failed to be there for me when I felt he should have been.  I would find myself thinking, “Why do I bother with him? He obviously doesn’t care about me because he would call or email if he did.”  Up until recently, I still felt this way, but then, something switched inside of me.  I realized that I have been holding him (and others) to MY standard of friendship and that is my own wrongdoing.  You can’t measure friendship by a rigid standard of how you personally define it, but rather embrace the friendship that is given to you.  If you expect others to reciprocate exactly how you would in a particular situation, you will always be disappointed.  However, if you accept their token of friendship, however small and insignificant it may seem, you will always be grateful in receiving it.


As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “A friend is a person before whom I may think aloud.”  Discover the beauty in this statement and hold on to it.  Accept your friends for who they are and not what you feel they ought to be and you will never be disappointed.  So, I leave you now with the words of Morrissey, who I believe said it best, “Hold on to your friends.”

“A bond of trust has been abused
Something of value may be lost
Give up your job,
Squander your cash – be rash
Just hold on to your friends
There are more than enough to fight and oppose
Why waste good time fighting the people you like,
Who would fall defending your name?
Don’t feel so ashamed to have friends
But now, you only call me when you’re feeling depressed
When you feel happy I’m so far from your mind,
My patience is stretched, my loyalty vexed
You’re losing all of your friends
Hold on to your friends
Hold on to your friends
Resist – or move on
Be mad, be rash
Smoke and explode
Sell all of your clothes
Just bear in mind:
There just might come a time
When you need some friends..”



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Morning has broken

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 18, 2008

When I awakened this morning, I felt overwhelmed by the intricacies of my current situation.  I immediately thought about all of the negative things working against me at present…being laid off during the worst recession, struggling to make ends meet, navigating the painful beginning steps of divorce, and feeling alone in the entire process.  At first, when I sat down at my laptop to write today’s entry, I thought I would vent some of this frustration.  I mean, everything definitely sucks for me right now, so why not get it off my chest so I can feel better about things?  Then, I opened my email and had a note from an ex-coworker that contained the message below.


You see, ‘Clueless VP’s’ wife has struggled with cancer for many years now, and despite their efforts in progressive treatment, they were unable to save her life.  Upon first reading this message, I almost felt a ting of satisfaction that someone who has wronged me is having something bad happen to them as a result.  This notion lasted for about thirty seconds until I realized that it wasn’t at all about me or my dislike of ‘Clueless VP,’ but about the loss of a wife, a mother, and a friend.  I began to cry as I thought about the two young sons left behind, facing the rest of their lives without the love and support that only a mother can provide.  How do others survive a loss like this?  How do they find the courage to carry on when they’ve lost their most prized asset?  I cannot begin to comprehend it.


All I know is that my problems, seemingly insurmountable to me at present, are but a grain of sand in comparison to what this family is enduring.  And somehow, my angst and feelings of ill will towards ‘Clueless VP’ seem childish and preposterous now…almost unfounded.  I suppose the moral of the story, if there be one, is that no matter what adversity you may currently face, there are others who face much more difficult trials and losses.  In order to grow as a person, you must surrender the pain, regret, feelings of ill will, and negative emotions and instead channel this energy into finding the greater good.  Realizing this is much easier said than done, I am my own harshest critic in this regard.  Nevertheless, this is how I will face each day in the future.  Release the guilt, blame, and regret and seek the good, the honorable, and the positive in everything.  This is my admonition and I encourage you to seek it as well.


I will leave you with the email note that started this entire train of thought.  And, as difficult as it may be for me to will this into practice, I must remind myself to always treat others the way I want to be treated, even when they have been unkind to me, for this is the greater good in life.  This is the ideal.

Dearest friends, 

My wife passed away this afternoon, very peacefully and without pain.  I was holding her hand and her best friend was by her side.  Her closest friends were at our home within minutes and all shared their goodbyes.  I have been most worried about our kids – lots of conflicting advice about how to handle things. After friends brought them home early from school, I took both of them into my oldest son’s room and told them that their mother had died. Both knew what I was going to say. We cried and held each other for a good long while.  Then, with their permission, we moved to the master bedroom. Their mother was on the single hospital bed where she had died facing away from us. The boys and I sat on our king bed, talking about their Mama and how we had been preparing for this day. We spoke of how things will change and how they will stay the same. The boys were very thoughtful and mature, all things considered. There were quiet moments infused with love and emotion.

I am glad that my children had this time with their mother. It felt the right level of connection with her, and among us, and I believe it will help with their closure. I feel certain that my wife would have been pleased by this.

We all knew this day was coming, but it is of course so very sad that it has arrived.

My deepest love to all of you.






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