The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Let love speak up itself

Posted by mozziestarlet on June 12, 2013

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately perusing the posts of fellow bloggers from all walks of life and all corners of the world. It amazes me how so many of us struggle with the same questions each and every day in our relationships. ‘Does he still love me? Can I ever trust him again? Will our relationship survive? What did I do for him to be unfaithful to me?’ Reading through the pages, it’s like listening to a record skip and re-play the same chorus over and over again. These days, it’s a song to which we all seem to know the lyrics by heart. Fall in love, endure subsequent betrayal and rejection, glue ourselves back together, and ultimately spend the next few years trying to figure out what the hell happened and why. What I wonder though is do we really not know the answers to these questions or is it that we’re searching for understanding in a sea of others drowning in the same murky water? Personally, I think it’s a little bit of both.

I’m certainly no expert on matters of the heart. I’m 40, with two failed marriages and a closet full of battle scars. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from my experiences. But, most of the time, I find myself looking back at my relationships and wondering what in the world I must have been thinking in the first place. How did I fail to see the signs which are so obvious to me in retrospect? How did I believe this person was right for me? Was I really that deaf, dumb and blind?

In short, yes.

The truth of the matter is that we all are. Whoever can be credited with the proverb ‘Love is blind’ is undoubtedly the most intelligent and insightful person who ever existed. The tricky thing about love is that it’s a bit of a parasite. Bear with me on this as I attempt to explain myself. When you fall for someone, that inescapable and intoxicating feeling – that flow of love adrenaline – spreads and envelops you at lightning speed. The bliss of discovery and courtship takes you to what feels like an alternate reality. The sky is bluer, the air is crisper, the world is…good. Within weeks or even days, your mind and body is hooked on the constancy of these emotions. Try as you may, you couldn’t stop it even if you wanted.

And it’s wonderful. It’s just about this most amazing feeling any human being can experience. So, it’s no wonder we embrace it the way that we do. We’ve lived in the dark for most of our lives and now find ourselves frolicking in sun-kissed bewilderment. It’s ultimately that intoxication which makes us unable to see anything short of perfection in the other person. We embrace the dream because it’s essential to our very survival. And that’s okay…as long as we accept it for what it is. No one and no relationship is ever perfect.

It is typically years later, once the infatuation has subsided and the normalcy of life prevails, that we find ourselves wondering how things could have possibly gone wrong when they were once so right. What happened to us? How could this person be capable of betraying us when this isn’t who they are?

Well, because it IS who they are. We just failed to see it. This realization doesn’t make us a bad person. Foolish? Sure. Stupid? Often. Blind? Always.

There’s no escaping the reality that love is always seen through rose-colored glasses. That’s what makes it such a beautiful thing. Enjoy it. Embrace it, by all means. It’s what makes life worth living. But be mindful that no relationship is ever perfect. No person is infallible, despite how much we once believed them to be.

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“Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and, as we pass through them, they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus.

 – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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“To write is to sit in judgment on oneself”

Posted by mozziestarlet on May 26, 2009

Self_reflection_pic

As much as I’d love to be able to take credit for that statement, I hardly can.  Henrik Ibsen, a remarkable 19th century Norwegian poet and playwright, penned that statement even before the turn of the 20th century.  I can remember first reading that when I was about fifteen years-old, and feeling the complete brilliance and truth of it sitting squarely on my shoulders.  You see…for a writer, there couldn’t possibly be any statement more at the heart of the matter.  Not to sound exclusive, but it’s a difficult thing to explain to someone outside of this reality; to someone who hasn’t spent the majority of their life trying to make sense of their existence year after year, through each stroke of their pen.  The funny thing about being a writer is that it’s very much a feast or famine talent.  You may go through periods in your life where the words seem to leap from you faster than you are able to write or type them.  And other times, you lull through months or even longer where you simply cannot find the words, no matter how desperately you need to.

Certainly, I cannot speak for every writer on this planet.  But, in my thirty-six years on this earth, this is exactly how it has been and continues to be for me.  I’ve often found myself wondering why this is…why are there times and periods in my life where I cannot stop writing and others when the pen sits frozen in my hand?  Is it a type of possession that temporarily takes hold of you until you’ve said all you feel you can say on the subject?  Or, is it a God-given gift that like any type of talent should be nurtured and fertilized each and every day in order for it to continue to grow and flourish? 

I really couldn’t say one way or the other, and I hardly have a definitive answer on the subject.  However, there is one thing that I know for certain; one thing that I hold dear and true.  Henrik Ibsen was right.  “To write is to sit in judgment on oneself.”  And perhaps, it is this self-scrutiny, and this personal dissection, that makes our writing ebb and flow.  At times, this self-reflection is a necessary evil for our own understanding and personal growth.  And at other times, the cruelty of sitting beneath a microscope of self-analysis is simply more than a person can withstand. 

I don’t think the admission of this duality makes me less of a writer, really.  I think it’s what makes me a human being.

 

“If I’m trying to sleep, the ideas won’t stop. If I’m trying to write, there appears a barren nothingness.”
~ Carrie Latet

“Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself.”
~ Franz Kafka

“You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.”
~ Ray Bradbury

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The lights are on, but no one’s home

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 22, 2008

Firstly, let me apologize for the delay between Thursday’s blog entry and today’s.  I realize that I left so many of you hanging and I was stunned by the number of email inquiries jamming my inbox once I returned online.  To answer your burning questions…yes, I am still alive and kicking and yes, I had the third interview for the rockstar job opportunity on Friday.

To preface, I am a seasoned professional when it comes to being laid off in the corporate arena and then forced into the hell phase of endless interviewing for a new job.  Given this fact, I’ve become a bit convoluted in my judgment when it boils down to whether or not I feel I’ve got a job in the bag once I’ve completed the final interview process.  I’ve left many interviews with the gut feeling that I would receive an employment offer because of positive comments the potential employer made to me during the interview.  I would wait with baited breath for the offer to come and for some unknown reason, it never would.  So, I eventually got to the point where I stopped trying to ‘guesstimate’ whether or not I felt I would get the job.   I know this may seem like a negative way to think, but I’ve found that if you don’t expect anything, you’re not as deeply disappointed if it doesn’t pan out for you.  Nevertheless, my point in all of this is to say that the final interview went fantastic and I’m very hopeful that an offer will be made before the holiday break.  Do I expect one?  Yes and no.  Yes, because there is absolutely NO reason why they shouldn’t pick me for this position given how tailored my experience fits the niche they require.  And no, because of the expectation bit that I just explained in the prior sentences.  But, let’s just say that I hope to be pleasantly surprised for a change.

Since I’ve been temporarily taking refuge at the home of my parental units, I’ve purposely tried to distance myself from the husband so that he can familarize himself with the idea of not having me around.  I know that getting used to not having your spouse there is not entirely possible when you’ve spent years with them as the center of your universe.  When that center falls out, it completely disorients your entire reality.  Having been the one who was abandoned in my first marriage, I thought about why distancing myself from the husband is ultimately the best course of action for us both as we are going through this process.  When I reflect on my first marriage, I recall all too well what it felt like when my ex-husband told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, yet still hung around the house as if the declaration of his intent to bail shouldn’t affect my daily living pattern.  How can anybody think this way?!  This is the epitome of being a self-centered bastard who is thinking only of himself and his own comfort.  Telling your spouse that you desire to end your marriage, but staying in your residence with them during the process is the proverbial cherry on top of the cruel and unusual punishment cake.  If you have any love or compassion for your spouse and desire to inflict the least amount of collateral damage possible, then living in separate residences while you are getting divorced should be the only option.  It is the fastest route to self-reliance for both of you.

The ironic part about me purposely distancing myself from the husband is that he actually thinks that I’m being selfish by not calling him and keeping him company in his lonely state.  I mean, “I obviously don’t care (and have never cared)  about him if I am able to be remove myself so easily from our marriage.”  And yes, that’s a direct quote from the husband’s mouth.  He actually is dense enough to think that I’m allowing him to live in my home with my dog while I live with my parents because I “don’t care about him.”  After all, doesn’t everyone want to live with their parents when they are in their mid-30s and they’ve been independent for years?! 

So, when the husband makes these and other ridiculous and unfounded comments, I choose the path of least resistance and ignore them rather than respond to them.  When push comes to shove, what good comes from banging your head against a brick wall that can’t comprehend any measure of reasoning?  And this, in a nutshell, is the husband.  Yes, the lights are on, but no one’s home.

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Be hopeful

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 18, 2008

Well, this has been a hectic week to say the very least.  When I woke on Monday, I had a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing everything that is facing me presently.  When I actually allow myself to think about it longer than say thirty seconds, I find myself swimming in an ocean of despair.  So, I always try to put my  ‘happy happy, joy joy’ hat on and face the world  with the hope and mission of tackling my adversities.

I met with my attorney this week to sign the dreaded ‘D’ papers, and despite the fact that I know I am making the right decision for my long-term happiness, it is still a gut-wrenching process.  It doesn’t matter what circumstances led you to this precipice or how horrible your situation has become.  When you are sitting there, staring at the finality of your broken dream in black and white, it knocks the breath out of you.  You begin to reflect on the good times the two of you once shared, how you fell in love with your spouse, and the plethora of promises you made to one another when it seemed like you would conquer the world together.  I will always cherish these memories and despite my heartache from another failed marriage, I will hold on to the good times we shared.  This is the only way to move forward without becoming a victim to raging hostility and dislike of the other person.  Hating and blaming your spouse may seem easier for you to progress, but ultimately, the person who suffers the most from harboring this resentment is you.

To get back to my story, my week was off to a rocky start and I was certain that things could not get any worse than they currently are.  I found myself falling into the habit of holding a pity party for one, until I realized that absolutely nothing positive could arise from thinking and feeling this way.  I do have much to be thankful for and those are the things I should embrace now.  My wonderful and completely selfless family, my cherished inner circle of friends, and last but never least, my adorable snaggled-tooth puppy of 11 years.  Once I began to channel my negative energy into the positive aspects of my life, I received a call for a second interview for the most rockstar job I could ever dream of.  The company is fantastic, stable and profitable.  The job itself is an eerie match to my talents and 14 years’ experience in the industry.  When I went back to meet the rest of the team that I would be working with, I felt an instant rapport with them.  Not only were they incredibly bright and intelligent, but they each had such a great sense of humor.  Let me just say this…a sense of humor should be a requirement for the field in which I have worked all of these years.  It’s a high stress, demanding, visible position where you are held to a higher standard than most of your peers.  Without getting into too much detail, let’s just say that it’s a fairly niche type of position.  Not many people fit this role or have the patience (or talent) to truly do well.  Ironically, I fit this niche which has always made me more marketable in the job arena than many others with a more generalized background.  However, on the flip side of the coin, these type of positions are few and far between so it’s entirely up to you to sell yourself, your talents, your merits, and most of all, why they should select you above all other candidates.

So, I went into this second interview and did just that.  I didn’t hold back or allow myself to be too intimidated not to ‘toot my own horn.’  And the interview went off better than I could have expected.  When I put that first foot on the floor this morning, I felt hope swelling inside of me.  Hope that this fantastic opportunity will pan out for me, hope that I can conquer a new life on my own, hope that I can be around others who appreciate me for who I am rather than who they think I ought to be and hope for a more promising tomorrow.  After coffee this morning and a few nibbles to settle my growling stomach, I received a call from this company to return tomorrow for a final, third interview to meet the CEO and partners.  Naturally, I am thrilled beyond measure.

What is the moral of Mozzie’s story?  Hope is a good thing, perhaps the best of things…and a good thing never dies.

hope

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Loved and lost

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 16, 2008

I’ve been thinking deeply these last few months about the old proverb, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”  I have to be honest and tell you that I really struggle with this notion.  When I look back over my life, I can say whole-heartedly…Yes, I have loved much and loved completely.  I have felt the joy that only arises from true love, the anticipation of spending every waking moment with that other person, and ultimately, the abject bliss of sharing the promise of spending the rest of your lives together.  However, having been through marriage twice now (I am so thrilled to admit), I honestly feel that marriage in and of itself is just that:  a promise.  It is a promise that you will love the other person utterly and completely with everything you are, respect them even when they aren’t at the top of your ‘likeable’ list, take care of them when they are sick and unable to care for themselves, and help shoulder the burden when your family of two falls on difficult times.  Above all, it is a promise of partnership; a vow that you will always contribute everything you can to the other person, your life together, and to your future.

My point with this elementary explanation is that if I am totally honest with myself, I’ve never experienced marriage as it should be.  In both instances, I gave more than I received, loved more than I was loved, and held on to that promise with more zeal and respect than the other partner involved.  So, by the most basic definition, I have loved and lost.  Many people I know often comment that I’m just ‘jaded’ by my experiences and that it isn’t like this for everyone.  Believe me, I know it isn’t.  I have family members who have sustained happy and fulfilling marriages longer than I have been on this earth.  Is there some great secret that they are aware of that I was never told?  Are they that much better judges of character than I am when it comes to choosing their life partner?  Or, did they just get ‘lucky?’  I think it’s probably a combination of these things and quite frankly, the idea of marriage for my generation is much different that it is/was for the generations before me.  Marriage wasn’t viewed as a potentially temporary situation where one party could bail if they got bored with the other person, thought they could get a younger and hipper model, or just simply got tired of being around them.  They realized that they were making a lifetime commitment to the other person and it was the most sacred covenant they could possibly ever make, perhaps other than parenthood.  But today, in our easy-come easy-go society, people are disposable and promises are made simply to be broken.  Nothing guts me more than this behavior.

I know many of you are thinking, “Wait a second, Mozzie, isn’t that what you are doing by divorcing your husband?  Aren’t you breaking your promise to him?”  I suppose on the surface, yes, I am.  But, it is so much deeper and more involved than that.  When I look back on my marriages, it wasn’t me who broke the promises.  It wasn’t me that vowed to be one way when we said “I do,” but ended up acting and living a life contrary to that.  I was the one who gave everything and sacrificed all that I was.  I was the one who fought tooth and nail to make the marriages work and for the other person to see what needed to be rectified in the relationship in order to have a happy life together.  I did all the praying, made all the counseling appointments, initiated all the talks, and pleaded for understanding from the other person.  And in both marriages, nothing was gained from my efforts but loss and heartbreak.  In both instances, I loved completely, and ultimately, lost everything.

So, is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  I really can’t say at this point in my life.  Perhaps in ten years, I will feel differently and be able to answer unequivocally ‘yes.’  But right now, with so much loss consuming me, I simply don’t feel that it is.  Jaded?  Maybe.  Or maybe I just allowed myself to fall so deeply that I wasn’t able to see the whites of their lies.

And today, only one song will do…

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In honor of my best friend (Yes, you know who you are!)

Posted by mozziestarlet on September 29, 2008

Top 10 reasons that a thirty+ year-old man should date a teenage ‘Hottie’:

10. She doesn’t have to take care of her yippy dog because she lives with her parents.

9. She is a cheap date because her favorite food is Mcdonalds or snack dogs from the local 7-11.

8. Her friends adore you because you’re known as an “older man.”

7. You get to enjoy home-cooked meals because her mom cooks for you when you come over to help her with her homework.

6. You get to play WoW and other cool video games with her younger brother.

5. You don’t have to worry about picking up her expensive bar tab because she can’t drink.

4. She isn’t career-obsessed because she works at a kiosk in the mall.

3. She always tells you how much she likes you by sending you love notes with “BFF” and “together forever” inscribed on them.

2. She has unlimited text messaging on her phone so you’re not constantly talking to her on the phone having to justify your whereabouts.

1. She thinks sex is how you show a guy you “really like him.”

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