The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Rainy days and Mondays

Posted by mozziestarlet on November 24, 2008

I woke up this morning and debated whether or not to write an entry today.  I’ve always subscribed to the notion that my parents taught me as a kid: “Now Mozzie, if you can’t say anything ‘nice,’ don’t say anything at all.”  I really do try and approach my life this way, as childish and rudimentary as it may seem.  The ‘thing’ is that most days I manage to survive relatively well.  I do my best to maintain a positive attitude, constantly reminding myself that there are so many others who are facing trials and adversities in their lives, but occasionally, I find myself thinking “Seriously, how much more crap can I take in my life?”  Today is one of those days.

 

Like the rest of America, I am having a horrible time trying to find a job.  I’ve sent out at least several hundred resumes, replies to job postings, inquires, etc. and absolutely nothing has come to fruition.  I wish this were the only troublesome thing facing me currently, but it’s not, by any stretch of the imagination.  I received my initial paperwork to file for divorce this morning, and even though I know it’s the ‘right’ decision to make, it felt like a virus sitting in my inbox.  Sort of like a written manifestation of yet another failure I’ve managed to accomplish in my thirty-five years on this planet.  And no, I’m not trying to hold a pity party on my behalf, but, when I look back at my life thus far, I’m amazed at how much misfortune and doo doo that I’ve had to endure.  Marriages flushed down the toilet at lightening speed, false friendships, betrayals, disappointments, and lay off after lay off after lay off.  Why does this continue to happen to me?  If I’m such a ‘good’ person, why do I have more than my fair share of pain and hardship? 

 

I cannot answer this question, despite how much I spin my wheels in futility.  I find myself sighing while thinking of Morrissey’s words, “Scavenging through life’s very constant lulls, so far from where I intended to go.”  Despite this, when I face trials and problems that feel insurmountable, I often look to The Bible for wisdom and understanding.  I realize that many view The Bible as a folk story or a collection of ancient ‘do good’ sayings.  I suppose, on the surface, it can be viewed as such.  But, I look at it from the standpoint of someone who suffered, yet overcame, the most unbelievable hardship and adversity that anyone possibly ever could.  This gives me comfort and somehow, gives me strength as well.

 

If difficult times serve to build character, then I am on my way to becoming a living personification of that ideal.  Will I look back on my life one day and say, “Oh, so THAT is why that happened?  I get it now.”  I certainly hope so.  There’s nothing worse than spending your life waiting for an absolution that will never come.  So, I won’t.  I’ll take each quandary as it comes and try and learn what I can from it.  And perhaps someday, I will understand.

 

 

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
– Deuteronomy 31:8

 

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
– Matthew 6:34

perseverance

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