The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

Posts Tagged ‘Spouse’

The year 2012….has it changed anyone here?

Posted by mozziestarlet on September 6, 2012

Image

Stay tuned.

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An honest mistake?

Posted by mozziestarlet on February 18, 2009

mistakes-funding

Do you ever find yourself looking back at a situation or relationship and asking, “How did I ever fall for that?”  Lord knows, if I had a dime for every time I’ve thought this way, I’d be living off my millions on a tropical oasis by now.  The worst part about it is the realization that you’ve allowed yourself to be ‘snookered’ once again by someone close to you.  You bought into the ideal that they would always be there for you, always be helpful and supportive, and most of all, that they would always love you.  It seemed such an easy thing to hear and accept at the time, but later you realize that this is a much more difficult task for some and not others.

I’ve said it so many times before:  ‘Love’ is a verb, not an adjective.  Love is represented in our daily actions, however small and insignificant they may appear at the time.  Loving someone is knowing how to be a partner in every aspect of the word, not just when it’s convenient or easy.  It’s being the missing puzzle piece to another person’s soul and existence.  Through truly loving another person, we are not only fulfilled but provide fulfillment as well.  At its best, love is entirely a two-way street.  Given this, why is this ideal such a diminishing notion in today’s world?  Have people become so self-absorbed that they’ve lost that loving feeling?

Perhaps I’m the wrong person to consult on matters of the heart, given my poor track record.  Yes, I’ve made two terrible mistakes in the span of my adult life where love and marriage were concerned, and quite frankly, I have become jaded by the ideal of ‘true love.’  Does it still exist?  Can someone actually say what they mean and mean what they say…forever?  I really don’t know anymore, but I’d certainly like to think so.  Without that possibility, where is joy to be found?

I suppose I am not only seeking closure and answers to my questionable mistakes, but I’m also hoping that true love can and does still exist out there.  I want to believe in it, but through the process of ‘raking up my mistakes,’ it is a terribly difficult dream to hold on to.

“Honestly” by Annie Lennox

“The beauty that you gave
Has turned upon itself
And all the things you said
Evaporated
Evaporated …
Was I blind
Deaf and dumb
To the words slipped from your tongue?

Honestly … honestly … honestly
Alone in my bed
The things that you said
Go round in my head … still
It seems to be true
That nothin’ I do
Can influence you …

I tried and tried again
(Don’t you know I tried and tried again
to make you listen to me
But everything I said it always seemed to go right through you)
To make you notice me
(I turned myself into a person that I didn’t like
But please believe me when I say I know it wasn’t right)
But talking to myself
(I never thought that things would
get to be so complicated
I never thought that you and me would end up o frustrated)
Won’t catch you attention I see …
(You’d think that something had to come from all those good intentions
But in the end I needed something more than intervention)

Was I mad?
Was I mad?
Foolish me
Foolish me
To succumb so easily
To succumb
Easily
So easily
So easily

Honestly… honestly… honestly…
(Alone in my bed
The things that you said
Go round in my head … still
It seems to be true
That nothin’ I do
Can influence you… still)

Fools like me get so easily taken
And fools like me can be so mistaken

Honestly… Honestly… Honestly

The promise that you gave
(Don’t you know the promise that you
gave just turned it’s back upon me
I stopped believing but you couldn’t take the whole thing from me)
Has turned it’s back
(I never thought I’d have to pay the price to set you free)
And all you represented
Was just my projection you see…
(You know I never thought I’d ever
live a day without you
And that’s the reason why
it makes me sad to think about you
and you know I never thought
I’d make it if you wasn’t there
And now I’m tryin’ to eject myself
from this despair)

People come
People go…
Never say I “told you so”
Honestly

Everything I know you said
Goin’ round inside my head

Never thought I’d see the day
Always got a price to pay

Nothin’ that I ever do
Ever seems to get to you”

5cphoto5cmistakes

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Sorry doesn’t help

Posted by mozziestarlet on February 2, 2009

It’s strange, but I was certain that when the ‘final judgment’ was made in my divorce case, both the husband and I would feel a sense of closure to the entire situation.  I must say that I certainly felt a shift in my attitude when the judge uttered the words, “Well folks, that’s it.  You’re all done.”  It was as if an insurmountable albatross was lifted from around my neck, an incredible weight released from my heart and chest, and I was able to take my first breath in months, if not longer.  I drove home from the courthouse reeling from the entire afternoon, recounting the rational nature by which the judge systematically divided and conquered each unsettled item of our marriage.  I realize that our legal system must take this approach due to the overwhelming number of divorce cases they see every day, but the manner in which your personal matters are resolved is almost laughable.  The judges and mediators trudge through your issues decidedly and quickly, almost as if they have a ‘Divorce checklist’ that they follow and check off as each item is satisfactorily handled.  Even though this approach threw me for a loop at first, ultimately, I was grateful that the case was handled much like the dissolution of a business or partnership, rather than an enormous emotional battle of ‘He said, She said.’  And, when all was said and done, all of that really didn’t matter anyways.
Four days have elapsed since our divorce settlement and the husband continues to call and text as if nothing much has changed.  I’ve urged him to get his affairs in order, begin packing and making arrangements for his departure in a few weeks, but I sense that he is still living in an emotional cloud of denial, regret and sadly, reminiscence as well.  He still tells me how much he misses me and my smiling face to greet him each morning and evening, the way I always took care of him, and how I made everything in his life beautiful.  Most of the time, I respond either in silence or do my best to change the subject.  Despite my feelings or lack thereof towards him now, I do not want to add to his pain or suffering as he is obviously coming to grips with his own demons now.  And on occasion, he will tell me how sorry he is that things came to end how they did and that he wasn’t a better husband.  Ironically, I do sense the sincerity in his apologies now, even though they don’t change an iota of how I feel about him.  I suppose you can chalk it up to the old adage:  ‘It’s a little too late’ for regret now. 

If there is one thing I can pass on to others from this whole catastrophic experience, it is this:

If there is an area of your life or relationship where you know you are falling short, DO something to change it.  Don’t expect the situation to miraculously improve if you are unwilling to contribute your share to the betterment of the relationship.  If things do not work out favorably or as you hoped, you will have the peace of mind in knowing that you put forth a truly valiant effort.  You did all that you could.  Once you accept this, you can acknowledge the loss, and ultimately, move on with your life.

And one more bit of unsolicited advice:  Don’t say you’re ‘sorry’ once all is said and done.  Sorry’s are a dime and dozen, and as Morrissey says…

“Sorry doesn’t help”

Sorry’s pour out of you
All wide-eyed simple smiles
certain to see you through
like a QC full of fake humility
you say:
“Oh, please forgive…”
you say:
“Oh, live and let live…”
but sorry doesn’t help us
and sorry will not save us
and sorry will not bring my teen years back to me (any time soon)
Forced back, it springs right out
seasoned, you have no doubts
you lied about the lies that you told
which is the full extent of what being you is all about
you say:
“Oh, please forgive…”
you say:
“Oh, live and let live…”
but sorry doesn’t help us
sorry will not save us
sorry will not bring my love into my arms (as far as I know…)
sorry doesn’t help us
sorry will not save us
sorry is just a word you find so easy to say… so you say it anyway
sorry doesn’t help us
sorry won’t protect us
sorry won’t undo all the good gone wrong

 

sorry_we_are_closed_b

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How long does a tear take to dry?

Posted by mozziestarlet on January 13, 2009

Despite being busy and preoccupied with my new job, I spend so much of my time internalizing and contemplating my personal situation.  I think about my bad husband, the heartbreak of divorce, and the task of starting my life over again on my own.  If I am truly honest with myself, I’ve been alone even in my marriages.  I enjoyed several blissful years with Husband #1 before he became a slave to his pocket compass and travelled the road of infidelity.  So, I know the beauty of a truly fruitful relationship, even though the memory has become faded over the years and through the natural progression of time.  Do you ever find yourself wondering why some people ‘get lucky’ and find their ideal match in life while others fall into peril?  I in no way mean to appear flippant as if I do not take any responsibility for my poor decisions, but I can’t help but ponder how there appears to be no rhyme or reason to it.  I’ve known others, like myself, who carefully dated their spouse for years before taking the walk down the plank, only to discover an intricate web of deception once they were married.  Then, on the other hand, there are those who are swept into a whirlwind romance of only a few months before marriage and are STILL happily married many years later.  This just proves to me that there is truly no magic formula involved.

Despite the hardship the husband has caused me over the years, I do care for him and wish for his happiness.  As I’ve mentioned before, he still doesn’t ‘get it’ and grieves over the loss of me and our marriage.  He emails or texts me lamenting messages of how he is miserable without me and general tales of ‘Oh Woe is me’ on a daily basis.  How do you deal with a situation like this?  It seems responding to his repeated cries only makes things worse and perhaps the best route is avoidance.  I am not the one who can ease his pain and comfort him.  That can only be something that he must learn to find within himself.

It reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from the movie ‘The Way We Were.’  Katie, a headstrong and opinionated gal, has lost her true love, Hubbel, and he moves out to stay with a friend.  He’s gone for only a few hours and she picks up the phone, out of sheer torture and habit, and pleads for him to come home and stay with her until she can fall asleep.  She says, “You see, Hubbel.  You are my best friend and I need to talk to my best friend about someone we both know.  So, will you, Hubbel?  Will you come and see me through tonight?  I promise I won’t touch you or beg you or embarrass you.  So Hubbel, could you come over right away?  Please…please?”  This scene has always touched me, but I truly understand the meaning of it now in my own life.  As Morrissey says, “I’ve seen this happen in other peoples’ lives, but now it’s happening in mine.”

So, how long does a tear take to dry?  I think, for some, it takes an eternity.

 

Below is the movie clip referenced above.  Enjoy.

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Mozziestar Flashback Entry, Year: 2003

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 29, 2008

The year was 2003 and it was two years before the husband and I took the proverbial ‘walk down the plank’ and became an official Mister and Missus.  At that time, the husband was living in a two bedroom apartment with his eldest son, and after giving it a whole two minutes of heavy consideration, the husband decided to adopt a dog in hopes to add a little joy and companionship to his routine.  Knowing that I had a sweet little dog who I carefully trained to not only be loyal, but incredibly affectionate, the husband enlisted my assistance in selecting the best canine candidate from the Humane Society to add to his household.  The trip to the Humane Society was a gutting one; cage after cage of precious little dogs who all want you to take them home with you and shower them with love.  I have to tell you that I think it’s wonderful when people choose to adopt or rescue an animal who would otherwise be facing certain euthanasia, but having to see this reality firsthand was not an easy thing for me.

So, we are at the Humane Society and I point out several medium-sized dogs that seem to have good temperments and no behaviorial issues.  Given that the husband is always correct and completely unflawed in his thinking, he argues that a large dog is best for him since that is what he ‘grew up with.’  Naturally, living in a two bedroom apartment with no backyard is a great living environment for a large dog that requires substantial exercise daily.  After no deliberation, the husband selects a lab mixed breed who is still just a puppy.  I take a look at the large size of the puppy’s paws and tell the husband, “You know, you might want to reconsider about getting a smaller dog.  This dog is going to be a giant and is still growing.  Not to mention, puppies require substantial training, discipline and attention.  They are full of energy and are a lot like babies in the beginning.”  The husband confidently replies, “Oh, I know plenty about dogs.  This one will do just fine.”

Knowing that the husband is as stubborn as a mule, I decide to give his dog selecting abilities the benefit of the doubt and keep my opinions to myself.  The husband then completes the necessary paperwork, puts the puppy in the car, and we head back to his apartment.  When we first arrive, the puppy is so excited by his new home; jumping, frolicking and sniffing every nook and cranny.  After giving the place a thorough look, the puppy then becomes interested in everything else that is cluttering the husband’s floor.  After only ten minutes in his new home, the puppy reveals that he is going to be quite a handful in terms of keeping him out of trouble.  I recommend to the husband that he purchase the puppy some appropriate chew toys and dog bed or crate so that the puppy can familiarize himself with his area and what is acceptable for him to play with in the house.  The husband responds, “Nah, I never bought my dogs toys before.  He’ll be fine without them.”  With this, I say goodnight to the husband and his new puppy before making my way back home.

The next day is a work day and I am scheduled to see the husband that evening directly after work.  So, I manage through an otherwise uneventful day at the office before signing off to head over to the husband’s place after work.  On my way there, I get a call from the husband on my cell.  He says, “You aren’t going to believe this, but I think I’ve been robbed!  I just got home and my place is completely destroyed!  I better go so I can call the police and report this.  I will see you in a little bit, ok?”  Naturally, I’m concerned and horrified for the husband and continue on my way over to his place.  After several mintues pass, the police arrive and the husband phones me to tell me he has not been robbed after all.  I’m confused by this and ask him, “Why?  What happened to make you feel otherwise?”  He responds, “Well, I noticed the dog is kinda hiding from me and has dirt on his face.  One of my plants has been knocked over in the living room.  You see, I wasn’t robbed.  It was just that damn dog that destroyed my apartment!  I’m gonna kill him!!!”

bad-dog

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This is an excerpt from the funniest thing I’ve read all day

Posted by mozziestarlet on October 2, 2008

This is too funny not to share. It’s a snippet from an email from my true “Wondertwin” younger brother. Enjoy!

“Hey Sis,

So, I had the most awesome dream ever last night. I dreamed I had everyone that ever did me wrong chained to this giant tilt-o-wheel, like from a fair. Before that though, I invited them all to this huge dinner, super fancy, but they didn’t know it was me. So they all ate and got drunk. I had Hench-men too and we took everyone and chained them to the ride. Then I came out and they saw it was me and I turned on the ride full blast. They all started to puke all over each other and crap on themselves.

Then I had this catapult full of laptops and I started flinging them into the ride at them. They were smashing into a billion pieces off peoples’ face as they were hurling while I was doing my old school, semi-‘Peewee Herman’ laugh…‘Ha-nha- hehehehe!’…oh, it was so awesome.”

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Chapter 15

Posted by mozziestarlet on October 2, 2008

10am:Clueless VP’ phones me to ask if I have a minute to come in his office and “talk.” Given that I am completely aware of his usual game strategy, I know that a “talk” with him usually results in at least ten new projects on my plate. I enter his office, offer a polite greeting and dodge the piles of three-ring binders stacked all over his floor. Apparently, the 21st century has not arrived for him yet, as he still believes printing anything and everything is the best plan of attack and organization. After sitting, I am knocked unconscious by the unmistakable smell of his fish tank. Any minute now, I expect Shamu to come busting through the wall in all her glory to perform. I find it amusing that he has such affection for the fish in his tank, but absolutely none when it comes to the people who are running his business.

11am: I scurry back to my office to begin the new list of projects that have just been assigned to me. Given that everything inevitably falls under the “Marketing” umbrella, it only makes sense that I am now handling Operations, HR and IT. First order of business wearing my new HR hat: push ‘Clueless VP’ off the nearest bridge. Time to do something for my fellow man.

12:15Clueless VP’ calls me to ask if I can email him a report that originally came from him to begin with. This event occurs at least once a week, so much so that I’ve been trying to figure out how to generate an automated reply to this weekly email request. Perhaps having him remove the filter of my messages into the ‘Trash’ folder might be a good start.

2pm:Clueless VP’ has exceeded his allowable phone calls to my office for the day and is now on my “Repeat Offender” list. It’s a total breeze to complete a list of projects by 5pm when your phone is ringing constantly. I do my best to retain my polite composure, but even ‘Clueless VP’ knows that he has overstepped his bounds. After an hour, he pops into my office and says, “I have something for you.” I steadily work to compose the absolute fear that has gripped me, not knowing what he could possibly have in the brown bag in his hands. I open the bag and inside I find a coffee mug with the words “I love you” stamped across them. He chuckles and says, “Don’t get the wrong idea or anything. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate all you’re doing here.” CLEARLY.

5pm: I leave the office for my trek home with my new coffee mug in tow. I think to myself, “Golly gee. Ain’t it swell to be loved?”

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Reasons why my Cockapoo is my ideal male companion

Posted by mozziestarlet on October 2, 2008

7. He recognizes and understands when I need time for myself and doesn’t make me feel guilty for it.

6. He never goes to bed angry.

5. He’s unselfish and doesn’t insist or demand my constant service or attention.

4. He’s never grumpy and showers me with affection irrespective of what kind of day either of us had.

3. He ALWAYS surprises me with unexpected laughter and silliness.

2. He never strays far from home and doesn’t need my help finding his way back.

1. He exists solely and completely for one reason:  to love someone other than himself.

 

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