The “Bad Husband” Chronicles

Just another day for you and me in Paradise

All you need is love?

Posted by mozziestarlet on December 7, 2008

I’ve spent the past four days with the parental units in an effort to escape the chaos, hysteria and generally horrendous cloud hanging over my home right now. They say that ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ huh? I think absence makes the will grow stronger, personally. Obviously, I’ve known the appropriate course of action to take in my marriage for quite some time now, however, simply stepping outside of the situation for a few days can do wonders to clarify and solidify your feelings. If you doubt me, give it a whirl. One of two things will happen and you will either say: 1. “I’m an idiot for thinking that way. My situation isn’t nearly as bad as it seemed.” or 2. “I cannot believe I’ve been living this way. What in the world have I been thinking all of these months and years?!” I don’t think it takes a brain surgeon to decipher which of these two responses I fall under. Perhaps the most difficult part for both me and others is in understanding why it took me so long to see this for myself.

It hasn’t been an easy situation, trying to explain to the husband why I feel the need to have time to myself and for us to be living separately. For months, he’s been in a state of denial as far as my intent to end our marriage, and it seems that only in the past few weeks has he started to realize that this is actually going to happen and there isn’t anything he can do about it. In short, “This chic is toast…game over, man. Game over.” I realize some of you might be inclined to think that I am unforgiving or half-heartedly committed to my marriage by being able to say this rather tongue-in-cheek. Actually, that could not be farther from the truth. For years, I’ve done everything…been everything…put in 150% day in and day out, only to be met by broken promises and disappointment after disappointment. The most ironic thing about my ‘bad marriage’ track record is that you will never meet anyone who believes in love and the beauty of what marriage is intended to be more than I do. I’ve grown up with the most wonderful examples of it, my parents and even my grandparents. But, even with the best example presented to you throughout your life, your marriage is only as good as what each partner is willing to put into it. I’ve been married two times now. Both times, I married men who were unable to meet me half-way on the spouse spectrum. Both times, I married men who promised one thing at the altar, yet behaved an entirely different way once we came home. C’est la vie, indeed.

I in no way intend this to sound like a pity party on my behalf, as I’m just as accountable in the situation for not making a wiser decision in the first place. I know what you are thinking: ‘Didn’t you know your husband was like this before you married him? Surely, there were signs, weren’t there?’ The answer to these questions are no and yes. No, I didn’t know my husband was like this until after we married and yes, there were signs that I should have paid more attention to. It’s like I’ve said a million times before: I am a human being who makes stupid mistakes like each and every person. I am just as fallible and accountable for my decisions.

All of this makes me reflect on The Beatles’ lyrics, “All you need is love. Love is all you need.” Do you need love to sustain a happy and lifelong marriage? Absofreakin’ lutely. Is this ‘all’ you need? No way…not even remotely. A long and happy marriage also requires trust, mutual respect, and the ability to give even when you feel like you’ve already contributed more than your fair share.

I will leave you with a quote from an article I read recently that stuck in my mind. “Most people think marriage is 50/50.  It’s not. It’s 60/40. You give 60.  You take 40. And that goes for both of you. Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E.”


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2 Responses to “All you need is love?”

  1. James said

    In the weeks and months after my divorce filing it felt as if I went through every feeling possible thousand of times. I also experienced the constant questioning and self-doubt you are describing every second of the day. What I eventually learned is that those temporary feelings and fleeting thoughts are not real. They are part of the grieving process and a natural survival response. What is real is your ‘gut’ knowledge that something was seriously wrong before, that you were in a bad situation that needed fixing, and that you deserved better. Congratulations to you for seeking healthy change and staying strong. I continue to pray for you every day.

  2. jayashree said

    Moz, I relate to this post so completely – this could me writing! I am a survivor…no, wrong word…I mean, a strong, positive woman, who believes in love and human beings [even men!] after two marriages break up.

    Like you, I gave my 150%, but got nothing but broken promises, excuses and even abuse in return. And like you, I also stayed put as long as I could, [the second time], trying to make it work, especially since we have a child. Finally, I gave up trying.

    I’m far better off today.

    Much love,

    Jay

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